When You Ask And Get Denial

Hey friends, I'm so glad you're here today. I'm Caitlin. Welcome to How to Be a Grown Up. This episode is for the moment that you were hurt. You asked for accountability, and that other person just didn't give it to you. Maybe they denied it or they minimized it. They changed the subject. They blamed you for it. And now you're stuck in this awful kind of awkward experience of like, what are you, what am I supposed to do now? You know, how do I move forward with this? In my experience, the hardest part of conflict with anyone was realizing that that other person just wasn't interested in making it right. But before I get into that, I want to make sure that you're following this show. So hit follow, hit subscribe, whatever that word is in your favorite podcast app, which I'm assuming for many of you is one of the big ones. So you know what to do. Just make sure you tap it so you don't miss any more episodes. Let's get started, though. Of course, as always, I have to say I'm not a therapist. I'm just someone who's trying to figure things out based on my personal experiences. I've got a list of all of the resources I used for this episode in the show notes, but once again, there's um a few that are worth mentioning: apology and forgiveness and reconciliation, apology and restitution, repair after an argument. These are all from various counseling websites that I will share in the blog post for this episode. So make sure you stop there for all of the links. Let me just start with this. If you pay attention, you can see that non-accountability is a very clear pattern. And I sort of touched on this last week a little bit, but it's worth mentioning again. You'll often hear non-accountability phrases come up again and again. And I'm just gonna list a few here, actually. That's not what I meant. I'm sorry you're upset, which is the one that just enrages me. You're too sensitive. I was just joking. Why are you still on about that? You're making a big deal out of nothing. I'm not doing this with you. And you need to get over it. And you'll often hear some sort of combination of all of them over and over again. But all of those responses are designed to do one thing, which is take attention off of the harm that was caused and put it back on you and your reaction to it as though your feelings aren't valid. They're invalidating responses. If you hear those regularly, that's a clear pattern of deflection and a sign of someone who's not ever going to take accountability for their behavior. So let's say you've done the hard part of confronting a person who hurt you and you've gotten nowhere. What do you do next? I'll tell you what my first instinct is. It's to pretend that it never happened to the person's face, but then have a lot of shower lectures to that person. It's where I practice things like saying it more clearly or staying calmer in the conversation or using different words or giving more and better examples. And then in the shower, in my head, there's a breakthrough. That other person finally gets it. But it's taken me a long time to realize that it's not me, it's not my explanation. It's not you, it's not your explanation. It's them. That person just doesn't want to see it. They don't want to understand. They don't want to be accountable. Accountability isn't something you can force. And that sucks so much. But it has to be said because you need to hear it. Knowing that they don't want to understand, they don't want to be accountable is the only way that you'll be able to take the next step. Do you remember that first time you heard something kind of similar to the famous quote by Roy T. Bennett, which is you can't control the behavior of others, but you can always choose how you respond to it. And yes, I did go look up who said that. It's Roy T. Bennett. Thank you very much. As a person with ADHD and a very strong sense of fairness and justice, that quote, you can't control the behavior of others, but you can choose how you respond to it, is one of the most infuriating quotes aspects of my life. But it's so flipping true. And it really matters here because you can't make another person be honest, you can't make them care, you can't make them understand, you can't make them say the words you want, which all really bites, especially if you're the kind of person who wants to work things out and wants to keep the relationship intact. Unfortunately, accountability is only real if the other person is willing to do it. You can't do it for them, and and that hurts a lot. So all you can do is the things we've discussed, right? You can ask for repair, you can describe the impact and your feelings, you can set a boundary, but you can't make somebody grow up overnight. So if you're in the moment and you realize they're not going to own it, you gotta stop arguing. You say your piece once and then you shift into your protection mode, right? You say things like, I've already told you how I feel, I've already explained why this hurt. I'm not debating whether or not it happened. If you're not able to talk about this with me honestly, I'm stepping away from this conversation. We don't have to agree on every detail for me to know that this crossed a line. I'm not continuing this conversation in this tone. You have to shift the conversation into protecting yourself and not allowing that person to gaslight you into thinking that your feelings are invalid. They don't want a longer argument, they don't need a better speech. You can't break down the entire relationship history. It doesn't work. They don't care. They're not listening. And that hurts so much. We really want and we need our relationships to be safe places. And we want the people we care about to be just as invested in the relationship as we are. We want them to say things like, I got that wrong. I'm sorry, I see how that landed. I see that I hurt you. So when it doesn't happen, it can make you feel at the very least dismissed. Maybe you're confused, maybe you're a little crazy, you feel a little crazy because they're gaslighting you into thinking that your experience isn't valid. But you can and you should trust your own sense of what happened and you don't need their agreement. So that's why you have to shift into that protection mode. So the next thing to do is decide how you're going to proceed, right? Decide the actions that you're going to take to respond. I will caution you against falling into a few of these traps. And the first one is my instinct, which is to over-explain. You try to find that magical sentence that will make them finally understand. Or maybe you are chasing closure, another thing that I try to do. Where you hope one more conversation will just turn them into someone else. They'll finally get it. Oh, that aha moment that you're you're craving. You try and chase it. Maybe you perform forgiveness and you do it too soon. You say you're fine when you're still hurt just to avoid any more conflict because it's just not worth it to you anymore. Or you pretend it didn't happen. Because if you just move on, maybe the problem will go away. None of those are real solutions, so don't do them. There is no magical sentence. The next conversation won't change anything. Offering fake forgiveness and pretending it never happened minimizes you and your pain, your hurt, and you deserve better. So instead of that, once it's clear that accountability is not happening, remember the next step isn't trying to make them understand. They don't want to understand. Remember that? So it is using those protective phrases. And then when you have a chance to step away, ask yourself, how much more access do they get to me? What topics are now off limits? What kind of contact actually will protect me and my kids? And maybe the biggest one of all, what do I need to stop expecting from this person? Because once you've answered those questions, they can become your boundaries. And then you can let the boundaries do the work. Boundaries are risk management. You can't control anyone else's behavior but your own. So you have to take explicit steps to limit your emotional and mental, sometimes physical risk. What I like about boundaries is they are conscious decisions you make to keep yourself safe. They don't depend on anyone else. And that might mean, you know, shorter visits with that person, no political talk, no one-on-one time. You will not engage with them unless someone else is around you. Changing where holidays happen. Stepping out of a group chat, limiting what parts of your life that person gets access to. Just remember, these people are crafty. The ones who escape accountability all the time, they are sneaky and crafty. They'll try to spin these as punishments. But you know you're not punishing anyone. You're just mitigating the risk of future pain or BS, whatever it is from them. And sometimes the person who won't take accountability is someone you can't just never see again. If it's a co-parent, you'll still have to communicate, but you can keep it brief and practical and focused on logistics as often as possible. If it's a parent or an in-law, you might have to accept that the relationship has to become more limited than what you hoped. That's sad and that's okay. It's disappointing, and that's okay. And that's okay too. But it's probably the best thing for everyone. So, you know, saying things to them like, I'm not available for this conversation anymore. We can keep things respectful, or we can stop talking about this. I'm going to keep this relationship more limited for now. The kids will not be a part of this conflict. Any of those lines are protective statements without being disrespectful. So if someone hurt you and won't take accountability, here's the most mature, the most grown-up thing to do. Stop arguing. Stop explaining your pain. Don't keep making yourself available to someone who refuses responsibility. And don't try to force a repair that isn't mutual. Instead, you'll have to just take a deep breath and accept that the person who hurt you is not meeting you where you need them to meet you. And then you need to decide what kind of contact, if any, is going to protect your peace. Before I go today, I just want to thank all of you for listening. I've seen an increase in listens lately, and I don't know how or why it's happening, but I can only assume it's because you amazing people are sharing this with someone who might find it valuable. I want to keep making content that matters to you. So if you have a topic you'd like me to cover, there's a link that says send me a text at the top of my show notes. And you can just send me one there, and I'll definitely take it into consideration. And I again want to say thank you. You're motivating me to keep going. And I so appreciate all of you for doing that, listening and rating and all those things. It matters. Next time I'm going to talk about forgiveness, what it is, what it isn't, and how to let go of something without pretending it never happened. This is a topic I have personal experience with. So I can share that story with you. Subscribe now so you don't miss it. Love you mean it. Bye.