E202_Accountability, Apology, and Repair (May 5, 2026)

Hey friends, I'm so glad you're here. I'm Caitlin. Welcome to How to Be a Grown Up. This is the show for moms who believe in accountability. So I'm gonna start today's episode with a quick little anecdote. When I was teaching And a lot of the time the immediate response from the student would be, oh I'm sorry. Sorry, miss. And it sounds polite, right? And it is, uh no complaints about that. But sometimes the behavior would continue and you know, or it would happen the next day. And the I'm sorry part, the air quotes around I'm sorry, just got old because you apologized for something, but the behavior then continued. So when that would happen, I would pull this child aside and say, Listen, I hear you when you say you're sorry, but you can't say you're sorry and then keep doing the things that you're I'm sorry for. And most of the time, you would watch a little light kind of turn on in the kid's head and they'd go, Oh. And then the behavior would actually start to change. And it wasn't perfect, of course, but it it would make a difference to tell them that. So today I'm talking about what to do when you know you were wrong and how to apologize without defending yourself in that process and then go on to make a repair that actually means something to the person you're apologizing to. Before we do that, of course, I have to do the thing where I ask you to follow and subscribe to the show because anything you can do to help me get more visible means that I'm gonna be, you know, able to do this for longer for you guys. So go ahead and hit subscribe if you haven't already. Um, and there are a bunch of new listeners here. So just wanted to say a quick shout out to anyone who's new. And of course, lots of love to the people who have been here with me since, you know, five years ago. Do you realize today, by the way, this is I've done this now, I have 202 episodes. And many of those were with Jenny, a bunch of them with Ariella, wouldn't have been able to get here without them. But I am at 202 episodes where I have done this. This is wild. Anyway, thanks for supporting me for all that time if you've been here with me since the very beginning. Okay, let's get to it. So I've got a few of the same sources as I had last week. So Greater Good magazine, um, a few psychological service websites, a few of the article titles, though, that are interesting were Apology and Forgiveness and Reconciliation, um, on rupture and repair, apology and restitution. All of these are linked in the blog post for this episode. So make sure you go check them out there if you want more information. So last time we talked about what to do when you were the one who got hurt. But this episode is the opposite side of that coin of what to do when you were the one who hurt someone else. Just so you know, my intent is not to make you sit in shame because Lord knows I'm the one who is constantly feeling guilty about the behavior that I may or may not have done, like things I should have done, things I didn't do, and I relive moments that are years and years old and feel second and third hand embarrassment about those things. So that's not my intent here. This is where we talk about just being a grown-up, taking responsibility for something that you did wrong and figure out if you know you can actually repair a relationship or repair a hurt that you've done. I want to talk about what accountability really means. Real apologies name what happened, they name the impact, they take responsibility and they say what you're gonna do differently. Naming what happened means being very honest with yourself and with the other person. I said something hurtful or I interrupted you and dismissed what you were saying. I brought politics into a conversation where I shouldn't have. I yelled at you in front of our kids. Naming the impact means you acknowledge that you actually did hurt them and hopefully you can see that. But something like, I can see that I embarrassed you, or I see that I made the kids uncomfortable. I'm sure the way I said that landed as dismissive. I I hear you when you say I damaged the trust in our relationship. And then you take responsibility for that. That was on me. I should not have done that. I'm not gonna blame you for my reaction. I was wrong. All statements, I'm the effective at taking responsibility. And then saying what you'll do differently means next time I'm gonna step away sooner so that I don't yell at you in front of the children. Or, you know, next time I will take a deep breath before I speak, or next time I won't bring up that topic in front of the kids or Aunt Susie or whoever. One thing I'm gonna do is learn how to handle conflict differently. Anything like that that shows that you're actually willing to change the behavior that caused you to have to now apologize. That's how you apologize in a way that actually is meaningful for someone because it shows that you you see that you are I'm sorry, and that you're going to do something about the I'm sorry. I want to also, of course, get into what not to do. And I'm sure you have seen these fake apologies before, the amorphous, ambiguous, meaningless apologies. They sound something like I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry, but I'm sorry you're upset. Oh, that one, that one gets me. I was just being honest. Or the classic, you know I didn't mean it like that. Can't you just take a joke? Or can't you just let it go? I'm laughing because I'm angry hearing myself say those things. Those are not accountability, and if someone's offering you an apology like that, remember they're not being accountable. None of those are accountability. Those are accountability escape hatches. Those are, I'm gonna say something that sounds like an apology, but really I'm just gonna slink my way out over here. If you hurt someone, do not center your intentions. They don't care what your intentions were. And shout out to Jenny for putting intent versus impact in my head some 10 years ago and making sure it sticks. It doesn't matter what was intended if the impact was hurtful. So you can say, here was my intention, and I still hurt you in that process, and I'm so sorry that I did that. And here's how I'll fix it for next time. But you can't say, but that's not what I meant, and then hope that it goes away. Like it doesn't work that way. You also can't explain your stress level as an excuse for your horrible behavior, right? I'm sorry, I've been so stressed out. Like, I really didn't mean to hurt you. I almost swore. Are you joking right now? Are you freaking kidding me? Who cares? How many of you have been on the opposite end of that kind of apology? Oh my god, I'm so stressed. Or I was so drunk. I'm so sorry I said that. Okay, like thanks, and also not an apology. You also can't, if you are the one who hurts someone, you can't ask them to hurry up and forgive you. Like the whole can't you just let it go thing. No, no, they can't. They can let it go on their own time. The end. Like, don't do those things. It's messed up. I want to touch on what we've been talking about, which is like family and political conflict and advocacy, um, and how this episode can really be helpful for you in those moments. You know, maybe you said something in front of your partner or your in-laws or your kids that crossed a line, or you accidentally mocked someone's beliefs. Maybe you turned dinner into a fight. Maybe you were the one who did that. Or you, I don't know, you used your kid as a messenger or a prop in a fight. And here's my big guilty thing. You, your passion came out as disgust or contempt. And that's again, not what you intended, but that's how it came out. And that's the moment for you to take accountability and not further the debate and make it worse. So, in case you need them, got some scripts for you. What if you said something like, I was out of line when I said that in front of the kids, I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that tone from me. I want to do better about how I bring politics into our home. Those would be great lines for your partner or your co-parent. If you've got in-laws that you're dealing with, maybe it's I can see that I made the conversation worse and I'm sorry for my part in that. And I shouldn't have handled it the way that I did. I still care about the boundary that we need, but I want to take ownership of my tone and my delivery. Or to a kid, your child or a child, I shouldn't have said that in front of you. That was not your fault. Grown-ups mess up, and I'm sorry for messing up. And when you do that for your family, you're you're modeling the behavior that you wish to see, which we've talked about also. And especially when you do that for your child, you're teaching them that accountability is normal. It's a part of life, it's a part of a healthy relationship. It's not humiliating. It's what we do when we do something wrong. Okay. What if we're apologizing to someone who is still mad? I feel like this is everyone who is owed an apology. Everyone who is owed an apology is probably still mad that they haven't gotten it. Even the people who are like, no, I let that go. No, you didn't. Because when they bring it up again, you're gonna be just as heated as you were that day. So just gonna say this. If you are of the mindset that an apology only counts if the other person immediately is like, oh, thank you so much. You're forgiven. We're totally healed forever. You need a reality check. That is not how real life works. You can apologize, and that person still might need some time, they're likely still hurt, they still might not trust you. And I want to remind you that apologies are not transactional. If they are transactional, then that's manipulation. It's not apology. A real apology is the beginning of the next phase of the friendship, right? It's the part where the repair is happening, and that takes time. I also feel like it's important to say that sometimes people treat apologies like an opportunity to garner attention for themselves, and that's not what this is. So we're not going to self-destruct, we're not going to shame spiral, we're not going to manipulate. You are not the villain, you are someone who is owning your behavior. So things like, oh, I'm the worst mom ever, or I always ruin everything. I'm such a monster. I guess I'm a terrible person. Even when you say them without the snarky tone that I just delivered with, those tend to be manipulative because what they do is they turn the attention back to you, and the other person now feels forced to respond. When you say something like, I'm the worst mom ever, what's the first thing someone's gonna say to you? No, you're not. Oh my gosh, no, you're not. You're a great mom. And then all of a sudden you're getting coddled, which shouldn't be happening. You're supposed to be giving them an apology. I guess I should just never talk to you again. Or you make some sort of big dramatic apology, so you get the attention on you. There's flowers and chocolates and promises you don't intend to keep, which I now realize is a line from Beauty and the Beast, whatever. Uh that person's now comforting you, and you're getting the attention for making this apology that you needed to make. You shouldn't get rewarded by getting lots of positive attention for a manipulative apology. So there you go. So to do this, a real apology without self-destructing or manipulating. Again, short, clear, mature. I did something wrong. I regret it. I want to do better. I'm working on changing my behavior. And remember that an apology is not the finish line. Repair is the next step after the apology. Repair means the behavior changes. This is where you stop doing the thing that you're I'm sorry for. Let's say you were making political comments in front of the kids. By repairing, you would not do it again. You would pause sooner if you notice it happening. You notice your trigger points, you step away before you escalate. If you embarrassed your partner, you would not do that again. You would make a new plan for hard conversations. You would respect the boundary you agreed to. That's the part that matters. That's what makes accountability actually believable, is when you stop doing the things that you are, quote, I'm sorry, close quote, for. Even if you're repairing, the other person may not forgive you right away. And that part's really hard. I'll acknowledge that that's a very difficult space to be in, especially if you're someone who took accountability very quickly or is used to fixing things quickly. Sometimes you'll apologize, and the other person will say things like, I need time. I'm I'm not ready to talk about this. I'm still upset. I don't know if I trust you yet. By the way, if they say that, like, good for them. That's impressive. That's that's a confrontational skill that I do not have that I'm working on. And those statements, those probably feel really bad. But it's not the same thing as being rejected. So, in that sense, you you're no, you're you're coming out ahead. And I think in that situation, if they're still upset, they're not ready to forgive you. The the best, most accountable thing you can do is let them process and have their time. And you could even close your apology, you know, the whole next time I plan to do XYZ. You could say, I understand if you still need space. Or, you know, I'm here when you're ready. And I'll respect the time you need. Something like that that actually lets you make room for healing instead of forcing some sort of fake friendship reset. So if you're the one who hurts someone, here's how to handle it like an actual freaking grown-up. You're gonna name what happened, you're gonna name the impact on that person, you're gonna take responsibility, apologize without defending yourself with a bunch of butts in your sentence, you're gonna change the behavior, and then you're gonna give the other person time if they need it. And honestly, in families where there are big personalities and politics that conflict and history of poor behavior, that kind of accountability is super important and powerful to model for your kids. Because in my opinion, it's not um it's not whether or not you say sorry, it's how you behave after you say sorry that really makes an impact on someone. Now, this whole episode is assuming that someone's going to take accountability. So next time, I'm gonna talk about when they won't take accountability and how you handle that. Now remember, I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't give you all the answers, but I can at least speak from experiences. So here's what I would do, and that's coming up next week. Subscribe now so you don't miss it. Love you, mean it. Have a great one. Bye.