E201_When You've Been Hurt: Deciding Whether and How to Repair

Hey friends, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to How to Be a Grown Up, the show for moms just trying to keep their hearts emotionally safe. This episode is about what to do when someone has wronged you, how to tell whether the repair is possible, uh, and how to protect yourself if the other person doesn't want to meet you halfway in that. But before we do that, have you subscribed yet? If you haven't, please do hit follow, hit subscribe, whatever the word is. It really does help me a lot to get more eyes on the show when people are searching, to get more listens. Um, if you don't feel like sharing, a follow or subscribe really, really makes a difference for me. Let's get into it. I'm gonna start with my disclaimer. I'm not a therapist. I want to make that very clear. My little bachelor's in psychology does not a therapist make me. So um I did have to look to a few sources today. Of course, Psychology Today, which is a great website if you're familiar. Um if you're not, please go check it out if you have any questions about anything mental health related. Uh Greater Good magazine, um, PMC, which is another psychology-focused website, a couple of other ones from online counseling programs. All of those will be listed in the blog post for this episode. I think we need to start by saying you don't need to minimize what happened to you in order to be a quote-unquote good friend or family member, whatever it is. I think sometimes we rush straight to forgiveness because we think it's rude to stay mad, or we tell ourselves we should be over it already, or we even try to make the other person feel comfortable before we even admit to ourselves how much it hurt, whatever that was. But you don't have to do that because the first job is not fixing the hurt. You can't fix what you don't know is wrong. The first job is actually naming the hurt. I used to tell my students this all the time. Um, when you go to the doctor, let's say you finally get an appointment for whatever it is that's bothering you. If you just sit there and you don't actually say anything about what's wrong, the doctor can't help. You have to tell the doctor what's wrong. I think the same idea applies here. You can't fix hurt if you don't know what's wrong. So your first job is to name the hurt rather than to try to fix it. So start by asking yourself a few questions. You know, what actually happened? What part of it hurt the most? Was I dismissed? Was I mocked? Was I ignored? Was I lied to? Betrayed, embarrassed, all of the above? Is it a pattern? Has this happened more than once in this same way? Or was it one moment in time? Did it happen in front of my kids? Or in front of other people I respect? And that last one in particular matters, especially in like family and political conflicts that we've been discussing, because if the harm happened in front of children or someone else you respect, the impact is often bigger. And whatever you do for the repair, if there is a way to repair, needs to be clearer and more intentional. And after you've asked yourselves those questions, I think you need to decide whether repair is actually possible for you. Because not every hurt that is experienced requires the same response. Sometimes the right move is repair. Sometimes the right move is distance. Sometimes it's a combination of both, right? Repair with strong boundaries. Sometimes it's, I honestly don't know what the next move is, and I just need more space before I make a decision. But I think asking yourself if you actually want the relationship repaired is an important first step there. And then knowing the person is another one because is the other person capable of hearing you? And I probably want to rephrase not hearing, but listening. Hearing and listening, I think, are two different things, right? I can hear someone, but not be listening to them. And is there generally basic safety and mutual respect here? If the answer to that third question is no, then I'm gonna say maybe repair is not the right step for you. Because your safety has to come first, physically, emotionally, mentally, otherwise. But if the answer is yes, you could say to yourself or to the person, you know, I actually really care about this relationship, but I need to know, you know, whether it can get back to being safe and respectful, or I'm not ready to talk yet, or I need time before I can tell whether we can go back to being whatever we were. So just thinking about, you know, those three questions of do I want this repaired? Are they listening to me? Are they capable of listening to me? And will I ever feel safe and respected around these this person? And I I want to do a quick little detour about when politics is part of this because we have been talking politics so much. A political argument at home isn't just some disagreement. It's as we talked about last time, it can be a real rupture in trust dynamics and a moment where someone feels completely disrespected, completely exposed and vulnerable, emotionally unsafe. You know, if someone says something sharp or disrespectful in front of children or is dismissed or humiliated, or you have the person who's like, I'm just being honest. And everyone is now stuck trying to figure out if this is a one-time thing or a pattern of behavior, some sort of symptom of a bigger issue. This is this is why you need repair and not just sweeping it under the rug. Let's talk about what repair is and isn't. Repair is acknowledging harm, understanding the impact of that harm, and deciding whether trust can be rebuilt. It means that whatever happened mattered. It means that you need to see whether this can be made a safer environment. And it means that you're open to rebuilding without being hurt in the same way, of course. It's not pretending it didn't happen or saying it's fine when it's not actually fine, or forgiving before you're ready just to keep the peace. Okay, so if you do want repair, you probably are going to need some accountability to come first. That means that the other person has to be able to listen to you and hear the impact of what they did without immediately becoming defensive or minimizing what happened or turning it back on you. And you have to be willing and able to list what happened, what it did to you, and what you need now. That person needs a very clear picture of what the repair is going to look like for you. And you may need to sort of feel this person out a little bit. So here are a couple of lines that you might consider using to feel that person out on their willingness to be accountable. I want to talk about what happened because it hurt me. I'm not asking for a debate. I'm asking for acknowledgement. I need you to understand why that was a problem before I can even think about moving forward. I like this one because it has to do with families and what happens in front of kids. When you said that in front of the kids, it made me feel dismissed and embarrassed or insert whatever emotions there. Let's talk about what to do if you've asked for accountability by having those three points of what happened, what it did to you, what you need now. You felt that person out and they're not responding well because that's a really hard part of all of this, right? Is when the person who hurt you does not take accountability. And I think that's a very common reaction for a lot of people. You might see them deny that that even happened, or minimize it, or blame you, or say you're too sensitive, or act like your hurt is an inconvenience to them, which are all very unhealthy responses. If that happens, you do not need to keep proving your pain. You are allowed to say, I've explained the impact. I'm not gonna keep arguing about whether it happened or not. You can also say, I'm stepping away from this conversation. Or, you know, if you're not willing to take responsibility or not able to take responsibility, I'm not ready to keep talking about it. You're gonna uphold a boundary for yourself to keep yourself safe. You're not punishing them. Those people who are not willing to take accountability, they don't view that as a punishment. They're gonna try and make you feel like a jerk for upholding your boundary, but a punishment like that doesn't work on them anyway. If you are hurt by a person who will not take accountability, I think that the most honest answer for yourself is not to push, not to force the fixing. I would argue that the right move in that situation is to tell yourself that you need the space to decide what you need next. And if they push it, you can say, I'm hurt and I need time, and you know, I don't want to pretend that I'm okay because I'm not, or I'm just not ready to do this. If you want to be more assertive, you can say something like, I need to see if this relationship can handle honest boundaries. All of those statements are clarifying the need for everyone to take some time and reflect. Now, again, if it's a person who's not inclined to take accountability, I don't see them breathing and reflecting. I see them festering and growing resentful. So in that case, repair may not be the answer for you. And that's okay because the grown-up reality is that not every relationship can actually be repaired at all, let alone repaired quickly or the way that you want, it doesn't mean that you failed in that relationship, especially if you tried to repair it. It just means that you were honest about the limits of the relationship and what you're willing to sacrifice for that relationship. So if that means, you know, less contact or stronger boundaries, especially if it was politically related, and you say we don't talk politics at all anymore, or no conversation at all until trust is rebuilt. Although that could be a little difficult if you go non-contact. All of those are completely acceptable in my mind, if you've been hurt by someone. Because, you know, repairing and forgiving are not the same thing. You're allowed to choose peace without pretending that nothing happened. And honestly, the healthiest thing for you to do is to stop chasing closure from someone who won't ever take accountability, from someone who won't ever give you closure. And if the same hurt keeps repeating itself, I would argue that repair is not the answer at all. So, my goal for this episode is just to help you think clearly about what happened when you were hurt, what you need, whether this relationship can actually be a safe place for you. So just remember that if you were hurt by someone, you don't have to shrink that, you don't have to forgive them right away, you don't have to fix it by yourself. Takes two to tango. You need both people to want to fix it. And please, for the love of all that is good in this world, do not make yourself available to someone who won't take you seriously. And if that person is willing to repair, to be accountable, remember that that repair is possible. It's just gonna take some time, it's gonna be slow. You might need to take some time apart for a little while. Then everyone has to be honest about what happened in that. So that was a little bit of a heavy topic, and that's okay. I think that's the whole point of what I'm trying to do here is create a space where we can talk about heavy things, but in a way that's relatable and understands that we're all humans just trying to figure this whole messy thing out. So if you feel like this was helpful or resonated with you, please do share it with someone who it might matter to. Next week, I'm gonna talk about what to do when you were the one who hurt someone, which plays right into my anxiety about always needing people to follow me around and tell me that they still like me. Um subscribe now so you don't miss that. In the meantime, keep each other safe. Love you mean it. Bye.