E200: Political boundaries with family

Speaker: [00:00:00] Hey guys, all my friends. So glad you're here today. Um, welcome to How to Be a Grownup, the show for moms who are just really trying to hold boundaries at home. This episode is about one very specific thing, and that is what to do when politics show up at home. Not the whole internet, not every single, you know, family conflict.

Just the very special kind of stress that happens when your co-parent or your in-laws or your siblings or whoever may be, have strong political opinions and somehow expect you and the entire family to live inside those opinions. Because if you've ever, ever experienced a conversation where [00:01:00] you asked someone to pass the potatoes and it turned into the validity of the 2020 election, you're probably screaming every time you're with your family right now.

So before we do that though, again, I'm gonna ask you to please take a moment and follow the show. We've done a lot of really good work thinking about how politics impacts our family life these days. So make sure you're subscribed so you have access to everything that I've done, and, uh, keep an eye out for specific playlists that will help you navigate these conversations.

I'm gonna tell you now, folks, today has been a day I have written and rewritten this episode. I don't know, two or three times, just in the past day. So. Forgive me if I seem a little heated about this 'cause it matters. I think this is a really important topic, so I'm gonna just really quickly share a few of the resources that I found.

Interestingly [00:02:00] enough, uh, there was an article called How to Handle Political Differences with Your In-Laws from Brides of Long island.com. Didn't know that was a thing. Uh, made me laugh when I saw the website, so I obviously had to check it out. Um, but there were some good tips there. I've got some other ones from a website called Co-Parenting Rules, of course Scary Mommy. Um, Our Family Wizard, Psy Post, and, uh, a amicable are a few of them. I've got the rest of them listed on the blog post for this episode, so please make sure to check that out.

 And let me. Start by saying this is a hard topic. And this topic gets tricky really quickly because when you care deeply about things, it can start to feel personal very quickly.

And maybe you're in a relationship where your partner is less political than you are. Maybe your co-parent thinks you're overreacting [00:03:00] about things. Maybe your parents or in-laws have opinions that they share too freely. Maybe you are trying to raise a child or children with compassion and honesty and some sort of civic awareness, and everybody around you seems to have opinions and different ideas of what that should look like.

I'm just gonna validate you for a second and tell you that's freaking exhausting. That's so much. And I was trying to think of why. And I think it gets, it gets back to the personal thing. Politics is never just politics when it's living in your house, right? It's about values and identity especially around kids.

It's what you want your kids to hear and what you want normalized [00:04:00] and what you absolutely do not want in your house becoming like family background noise. Right. And that's, I think that's why these conversations feel so charged because you're not just debating ideas anymore, you're deciding really what kind of home atmosphere you want to create.

And I think we hear a lot of people say, you know, politics in the 2020s isn't just politics anymore. It's about morality and values. And I think that's really the heart of what makes this such a heated thing. Nobody wants to be told their values are wrong, right? Because it's their values, they're personal.

If you're listening to this, there's a really good chance that you and I share similar values. And if you're not sure, I'm just gonna clarify for you right now, [00:05:00] I believe in loving all people, letting people live their life. And I believe in honest and fair government policies. That's me.

There's more, but that's, that's the way I'm gonna say this for right now. I'm sure you know what that means. Anyway...

I'm gonna start with, co-parenting . , There's some emotional landmines in this topic, again, because this is really hard, so maybe. One parent is more politically engaged and the other one is like, I can't talk about this because I need to protect my peace, which is actually the situation in our house.

I need to talk to get it out and my husband needs to keep it to himself 'cause otherwise he is so angry about everything and I completely understand that. Um. So we have a compromise where I get to talk about it for a few, a few minutes, and then I have to stop.

Maybe that will work for you. Who knows? [00:06:00] Maybe, um, one parent wants to share everything with the kids, tell them everything that's going on, and the other one thinks it's not appropriate, um, maybe one parent believes that politics shouldn't be in the house, or maybe both parents care. But they care differently.

And that creates a lot of tension around what gets said, when it gets said, how it gets said, and who gets to decide what is said. So maybe you need to hear this, so I'm just gonna say it. You don't have to agree on every issue to be good co-parents. You don't have to agree on everything, but you do need some shared agreements about how you handle the stuff, the political stuff that affects the kids. So. [00:07:00] Maybe that means you have a few scripts that you come back to. Y'all know how much I love a sentence frame and a script.

'cause I'm the person who needs them and I have to commit them to memory. They're literally in my notes app. Like most of these. If I tell you to put them in your notes app, it's because I put them in my notes app. So here's a few.

You might say, I know we see this differently and I'm not trying to force you to feel or care like I do. I do need us to agree on how we're gonna talk about this in front of our kids. I don't want them stuck in the middle of this.

Or maybe it's a little variation of that. I know we see this differently, and I'm not trying to turn this into a fight, but we need to agree that the kids are not pulled into our political shenanigans, disagreements, whatever.

Or I'm okay with us not agreeing on everything. I'm not okay with the [00:08:00] kids feeling like they have to choose sides or absorb our tension.

Maybe it's, you can have your views and I'm gonna have mine, but I don't want our kids hearing us argue about politics like it's some sort of normal, healthy dinner conversation.

Now, I wanna clarify that it is perfectly okay and normal and healthy to have conversations about politics at the table. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that when there's an issue that is looked at differently and we start to get into building tension and it makes things uncomfortable, that's not something that is normal healthy dinner conversation.

So I think you know, for your family, what works and what doesn't, so I would gauge what's normal and healthy dinner conversation by when it turns uncomfortable. That's the line, [00:09:00] right?

If they keep pushing you on it, you can just say, you know, I'm not discussing this in front of our kids. Like, if you wanna talk about it later, that's fine. We can do that privately, but I'm not doing this in front of the kids. And then pivot your attention to the children.

I will say one thing that might help you in this arena so that you don't have to use those canned responses is just create a few house rules for how political disagreement is going to be managed and how it's gonna show up in your house. It doesn't have to be fancy, right? It's just a few things that you both agree to, like.

 When things get tense, your kids are not messengers. That would mean no putting kids in the middle of adult disagreements, right?

No badmouthing the parent, the other parent in front of the kids. Like we go hard [00:10:00] on the issue, easy on the person. We don't talk negatively about the person, especially their other parent in front of them.

Uh, no surprise deep dive political lectures at bedtime. Like, at our house, you know, my, my husband goes in, he's does bedtime with our son for a little bit, and then I go in after and do the settling down bit. If I were to spring a political conversation on my son during that time, I personally would find that disrespectful to do to my husband, and I'm sure he would feel the same if it was a topic that we did not agree on. Right. That just feels manipulative and, and we're not doing that.

If a conversation starts to escalate, either parent can call a pause, right?

Things like that, that you just, you just draw some lines around how a political conversation is going to happen in your house. And what I like about establishing some house rules for [00:11:00] your political life is that it's not pretending that you don't have differences.

In fact, it's actually the complete opposite of that, right? It's both seeing the differences and acknowledging them. You're not treating it like the elephant in the room that no one's talking about. You're acknowledging that they exist and you're creating a healthy framework for how they're going to exist.

 And then on top of that, you're taking action to protect the emotional safety of the people in the house who are not responsible for your grownup conflict. You're saying with this shared house rule structure, I'm not saying we can't ever talk about this. I'm saying the kids don't need to carry the weight of this, and

 And then usually, you know if there's political differences between [00:12:00] co-parents, you might be dealing with some political differences with in-laws and parents and siblings too. Any other relative who can somehow turn a perfectly normal visit and conversation into a very unwanted commentary session. These are the kind of people who share opinions like they're doing you some kind of favor.

They, uh, I'm gonna put air quotes here that you can't see. They just ask questions, but they're actually arguments the passive aggressive way to start an argument. Or they say things like, I'm just worried about the children, but what they actually mean is. I want you to do it my way. These people, I have to say, my in-laws, uh, are wonderful people.

My mother-in-law does not say crap like this. She's a very good human who understands that boundaries exist. So [00:13:00] do the rest of my family members, I'm very fortunate in that regard. But, I realize that that makes me a, a very fortunate person and it sounds to me, from what I can understand when I talk to other friends and moms that I'm, what I have is rare.

Which sucks for you if you're one of the people who have family members who do behave in a type of way. Right? But I just wanna tell you, and you already know this, if you have in-laws who behave that type of way, you know this. But I'm gonna say, you don't need to convince your in-laws of anything.

You don't need to educate your in-laws on anything. And you don't need to let your children sit through political speeches that are disguised as some sort of concern.

Because the more of that that we try to do, uh, here I'm gonna say it this way. You [00:14:00] cannot reason with crazy, right? There is no logic that works. So, for your peace, you don't need to convince them. You don't need to educate them. That's not your job anymore. If it was your job before, it's not now. 

So just in case you need these wink, wink, nudge, nudge, all the things.

Keep these canned responses in your back pocket or again on your notes app.

Something like, I know we don't always see eye to eye and that's totally okay, but what's not okay is putting the kids in the middle. I don't want them to feel like they have to choose a side.

Or I'm happy to visit and talk about all kinds of things. Just know that I am not going to let this turn into a debate in front of my children.

And my children, the phrase my children, that, [00:15:00] a lot of people find that to be, uh, fighting words. Thems fighting words. My kids, right? Now, they are your kids. No one's denying that. But if you're in this together with a co-parent who's with you, with your partner, who's in that situation, I would encourage you to use the word our, our kids, because my kids is, is putting up a wall that you don't need right now.

So my kids, when it's you on your own dealing with the in-laws, our kids, when the co-parent is with you. That's the distinction.

One more I got for you. Um, this is my favorite of these more polite versions. I'm not interested in arguing about this today. If we can't keep it respectful, I'm just gonna change the subject or I'll step away. Where's the dog? Let me go find the puppy.[00:16:00]

If you need to be a little bit more direct because of who your in-laws are, I of course drafted some more direct statements for you. Like, we're not discussing politics in front of the kids. That's pretty direct, right? Or I'm happy to be here with you spending time together, but I'm not going to have political arguments in front of our children or my children, or again, direct.

We've asked already to change the subject. If that's not possible, we're gonna go ahead and step away.

At the heart of it, you are calm, you are clear, you are repetitive. You are not providing a long explanation because you don't need to. Remember? You don't need to convince your in-laws. You don't need to educate them.

Therefore, you don't need a long explanation.

 Now. Sometimes, those statements [00:17:00] are enough to shut things down, but sometimes they're not . Right. You drew the boundary, but that's not the hardest part. The hardest part is when someone ignores the boundary. It's always the hardest part of a boundary, and when that happens, you don't need a better speech or a longer speech.

You're not, you know, a district attorney making an argument about something. Maybe you are. Maybe you're a very cool district attorney, and if you are, please let me know that you're listening. But there's a really good chance that in this situation, you're pulling out some district attorney level arguments and you don't need to do that.

You don't need a better speech. You need to follow through. That's what you gotta do when the boundary gets ignored. So what you're gonna do is you're gonna state the boundary. You've already done it, right? Sorry, we're not talking about this today. Repeat it one time. Excuse me. [00:18:00] Like I said, we're not talking about this today.

And then leave or pause or end the conversation when it comes up again. I'm not discussing politics in front of the kids. I already said, I'm not doing this here. Okay, we're stepping away now.

You're not being rude, you're being clear. And I think somewhere down the line, we've confused boundaries and clarity with disrespect, and I'm not sure at what point that happened but it's not rude. It's clear.

Because ultimately the entire point of this is to protect the kids. Kids do not need to be the audience for political conflict between adults. They just don't.

They don't need to feel like they have to choose one grownup over the other, and that if they choose the wrong [00:19:00] one, the other one's gonna be disappointed. That's not what kids are for, right? Like we don't, we don't have kids to have them beef up one side of the family argument. It's ridiculous. We have kids because they're cute.

 I bet your child is adorable.

But here's the deal. If your boundary does nothing else, make sure it does this one thing, which is keeping your kids out of the emotional crossfire that is adult arguments about politics.

 Remember that if you can't keep them out of it, 'cause sometimes while you're trying to assert your boundaries, it still happens. You can say the grownups were having a disagreement about politics. That's not your job to fix. You don't have to take sides. [00:20:00] If something happens again, you can come get me.

I'll be there.

Because the job there of those three lines is to give kids safety without forcing them to carry the burden of the tension, of the disagreement, of the hurt that can happen in those situations.

So that's the episode. I'm clearly heated about this topic.

That's it. That's all I have. It's not about how to solve politics in your family. It's not about changing everybody's mind because remember, it's not our job to convince other people outside of our family of what our politics are. It's not how to become the family diplomat, because that's a huge emotional burden that you should not be carrying.

It's just how to keep the political talk from taking over your entire house and putting your kids in the middle of that. And I feel like that's [00:21:00] enough of a topic because it is so heated. So just a reminder, you are allowed to say, not in front of the kids, not at this table, not in this conversation, and not today.

Those are boundaries that protect your kids. That's parenting. That's grownup behavior. Good job. You did it.

So next week I'd like to talk about repairing political conflict with co-parents and in-laws and other family members. Uh, I'm not a therapist, I probably should say that at the top of this, but I am someone who experiences conflict deeply and who takes things very personally.

So I'm saying these things [00:22:00] as a reminder to myself and to you. I'm therapizing... therapy-ing myself. That's not a thing. Counseling. Counseling myself. Therapy izing y'all. I told you, it's been a day. 

Anyway, 

Speaker: next time repairing that political conflict, how you fix it. If you want to subscribe now so you don't miss it, love you mean it.

Bye.