Hi everyone. I'm so glad you're here today. Welcome to How to Be a Grown Up. This is the how-to show for moms who have definitely talked some shiz about relatives in front of their kids before. I'm Caitlin, and this is an extremely rare solo episode. In fact, this may be the only solo episode I've ever recorded. And I'm coming to you today because, again, I feel compelled to talk about resources, share resources for what's happening in our world today for parents who are having to navigate being socially and politically aware while simultaneously pretending that everything is normal and parent their children at the exact same time. So I wanted to get into family conflict today, not because I'm a counselor or I have any background in providing support for this, but just because sometimes families disagree. And it's one thing when, you know, it's you're disagreeing with a stranger on the internet, but it's entirely another when it's your parent at Thanksgiving or your sister in a group chat or, you know, crazy Uncle Bob in the next room, but your kid is hearing everything that you're saying. So I wanted to share some resources for how to talk to your kids about disagreements within your family. Before I do that though, please make sure you're subscribed to this show, hit follow, hit subscribe, whatever word it is that your favorite podcast app uses to make sure that you get notifications for new episodes. So let's get to it. The goals for this episode are one, you're not trying to turn your kid into a political clone of you. You are modeling values, you're modeling respect, boundaries, and standing up for what you believe in. And you can do that through, you can get some more support on those from these a couple of sources that I have for today. So one of them is how to be a good activist and a good mom. It's from All In Together. There's another one called The Politics of Parenthood from the Vote Mama Foundation. And there's a few others that I've, you know, been gleaning from information from. And those have been on the blog posts for previous episodes. And I'll make sure to add those to the blog post for this episode. Maybe you've seen those articles about the number of people who are going non-contact with family members, especially as politics heats up in our country. And maybe you're one of those people. And if that's you, my heart goes to you. A full non-contact is really tough. And I don't envy your position, but I do respect it because you probably did it for a reason. That said, this episode isn't about that. In fact, this episode is specifically for those of you who are really trying to navigate this challenge without completely having to go non-contact. So today I want to share with you what to say to kids before, during, and after disagreements with relatives. So again, remember, you're not trying to turn your kid into a political clone of you. You are modeling your values of respect and boundaries and standing up for what you believe in. The ground rule for all of these conversations is that your kid is watching how you act when things get tense way more than they're memorizing your talking points, right? They glean more from what you do than what you say. So think of this episode as a way of giving your kids a script for being brave and kind at the same time that people disagree. So you can disagree and still be brave and still be kind in your disagreement. So again, you guys know I love a good sentence frame. Sentence frames are my favorite thing. So you're able to steal these lines, take, tweak the wording to make it work for your family. But here's the way I would do this: I would start by setting expectations before a family gathering or before a phone call. So in order to do that, you're going to say these lines. One, there are people in our family who see things differently than we do about insert issue here, right? XYZ. You might hear adults disagreeing. It's not your job to fix those disagreements or to pick sides in a fight. And if anything makes you uncomfortable, you can come find me or text me a code word and we'll step in right away. Or you can come find me and text me a code word and we'll step away. So either one, you're going to offer an out or offer a shield. Here's the values script that we use as a family, and I would encourage you to adopt something similar. In our family, we believe in treating people with respect, even when we strongly disagree. We also believe it's okay to set boundaries if someone is being unkind or disrespectful. So having all of those lines in your back pocket for before the get-together or before the phone call might help you just remember what the goal is here, which is to respect your own boundaries and keep your kids safe. When a disagreement inevitably happens in front of your kids, in that moment, you're going to keep it really simple and you're going to stay cool and calm as much as possible in those. Okay. Not because it's getting too heated, but because it's getting too heated for me, you're putting it on yourself and saying you are the one who needs to step away. Another line you might use is, I respect that we see this differently. Let's talk about something else while the kids are here. If a relative tries to pull your kid in, you're going to be tempted to go full mama bear on this. And I would not blame you even one bit for being tempted by that. But instead, you're going to say, after a massive deep breath, where you say serenity now inside your head, I don't want to put your child's name in the middle of this conversation. I don't want to put Betty Sue in the middle of this conversation. I don't want to put little Johnny in the middle of this conversation. And then later to your child, you're going to remind them it's not your responsibility to defend my opinions or anyone else's. And no grown up should ever ask you to do that. Grown-ups should not ever ask children to defend them in an argument. You're not going to do that. You're just going to say, remember, it's not your responsibility. You are not responsible for managing any of the adults in the room, their behavior, their emotions, their values, any of that. It's not up to you. So you don't need to defend me in those moments. And then you're going to do everything you can to step away. Cool down the temperature of the conversation. If it means you need to pack up your stuff and leave, pack up your stuff and leave. Because what you're doing is maintaining that level of respect and your boundaries at the same time. After an argument, you're going to have a debrief session with your kids. And there's a few things you're going to want to do here. You're going to want to validate what happened, normalize the disagreement, and clarify how you feel while also enforcing your boundaries and enforcing that safety. So here's what I mean. Validation might sound like, hey, that conversation earlier with me and Uncle, what's his name, got tense. How did that feel for you? To normalize that disagreement piece, you might say something like, even people who love each other can have very different views about politics. That doesn't automatically mean they don't care about each other. Well, man, I'm actually kind of I'm struggling with these a little bit too. Like, don't think that this is easy for me to say, because I think that there's a lot of the the two sides are very different in how they view what's happening in the world. There's a side that views what's right and and and moral, and then there's a side that doesn't seem to seem see it the same way. And so this is this is difficult for me. I would have a very hard time with this. So I'm sure that if you're hearing me say this and I'm sounding so calm about it, just know you're not alone and being like, what the heck? Anyway, but this is just what I'm gleaning from trying to be professional and keep myself together. So that conversation earlier got tense. How did it feel to you? Even people who love each other can have very different views about politics. That doesn't automatically mean they don't care about each other. And then you're going to clarify your stance. Here's what I believe about XYZ. Here's what I believe about that issue. And here's why XYZ. You don't have to agree with me on everything, even as you get older, but you deserve to know what your parents stand for. And then you're going to give them that boundary and safety piece. It's okay if you like someone who thinks differently than we do, but it's not okay if someone makes you feel unsafe or disrespected. If that ever happens, tell me and we'll figure out what to do next. Now, again, that all sounds really easy. It's not, I promise you. And if you're in the thick of a conversation with your differently viewing relatives, it's it's probably going to be hard for you to see this. So I'm going to encourage you later on to put this in your notes app and practice, especially if you're one of those families that does have these kinds of conflicts. It's okay to practice this and run through it in your head over and over again. Okay, so grown-ups are messy, but we can model cleaning up our messes and repairing relationships for our kids. So here are some common, whoops, that escalated quickly scenarios and how you can talk to your kids about them. So the first scenario might be you lost your shiz. And you might say something like, I got really mad during that conversation. And I said things in a way that I'm not proud of. Grown-ups make mistakes too. And next time I want to walk away sooner instead of raising my voice. Or I said things in a way that I maybe shouldn't have. Maybe you are proud of it. I don't know. Change it to make it work for you, but also just let them know that, like you know that that wasn't the way to handle it in that moment. Maybe you froze and said nothing, right? We know that it's not fight or flight anymore. It's fight, flight, or freeze. And maybe that was you. Maybe you were raised in a household where it wasn't okay to talk back or whatever it is. That's completely normal. And it's, I wouldn't blame you one bit for that because I don't know if I'd know what to say either. But here's something you might say to your child after the fact. You might have noticed that I didn't speak up when your relative, whoever it was, said something that I strongly disagree with. I really regret that. And I'm thinking about a better way to respond next time. And I want you to know that I do not agree with what was said. Maybe another thing that happened is you were super harsh. I actually wrote in my notes you are harsh. AF. You might say instead, I was venting about whoever that is, relative, in a way that wasn't fair, and you heard that. I'm frustrated with their views, but I don't want to teach you that we solve disagreements by calling people names. So that's for if you clapped back and maybe you aren't proud of the clap back. Or maybe you are proud of it, but you don't want your kid to think that that's the okay way to do it. So here's my meta message: the whole overarching thing here. The big lesson is not mom always says the perfect thing. The big lesson is that mom is willing to reflect and apologize and try again. Maybe, you know, your kid can learn something from that. So I'm gonna encourage you to pick one script from today. Put it in your notes app under family politics panic button. Use it the next time you feel your blood pressure rising during a conversation. Practice it before you have one of these get-togethers or a phone call. Just and then do that two-minute pre-briefing with your child, right? You might hear disagreements, and here's what you can do if you feel weird about it. Offer them that escape plan, that escape button, and then be prepared to walk away if you need to. If you use any of these lines and it happens to go spectacularly well for you, or maybe hilariously sideways, either way, I'd love to know. Send me an email or DM us your story. We'll share a few anonymously in a future grown-up episode. Um nailing this on the first try, so uh feel free to share your experiences with us. We'd love to hear them. Next week, we're gonna be talking about kids and protesting, meaning how we talk about protesting with our children, what it is, why we do it, and how to discuss their potential involvement. So make sure you subscribe now so you don't miss it. Remember that all that's going on around you is a lot right now. You can do this, I promise. It's it's difficult, but you can do it. And uh make good choices. Love you, mean it. Bye.