00:00:00 - Jenny GK
They say that breaking up is hard to do. Now, I know. I know that it's Truesday.

00:00:14 - Caitlin Kindred
Are we breaking up?

00:00:16 - Jenny GK
But we're going to talk about how to not break up.

00:00:17 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh.

00:00:18 - Jenny GK
So maybe making up is hard to do.

00:00:22 - Caitlin Kindred
Maybe. Okay, so today we're talking about those partner fights that you have, and then that uncomfortable breaking the ice that needs to happen after the fight's over, what do you say? What do you text? What do you do? So welcome to CK and GK. We're teaching you how to be a grown up. Let's.

00:00:46 - Jenny GK
Okay, before we get into it, I want to introduce with me, as always, is Caitlin. And I might be a handful, but luckily, she has two hands, so she can manage me.

00:00:56 - Caitlin Kindred
Ah. Hey. Oh, that's Jenny. My sweet, glowing sun. I love it. We really don't fight that much, do we? But when we do, we. I think we employ these techniques. Yeah.

00:01:10 - Jenny GK
And most of our fights are about me ghosting you, so it's fine.

00:01:15 - Caitlin Kindred
Fair.

00:01:16 - Jenny GK
I have too much social anxiety, and then I just answer the question.

00:01:21 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. So I think, well, this is. That's what makes this funny is because I think this applies to any duo, partnership, whatever needs to be. So let's. Let's go ahead and get into it. So the sources for today are what to text your partner after a fight by Samantha Darby for scary mommy. And she refers to someone named Caroline Hogeven, who is a licensed marriage therapist and mental health counselor throughout the episode. So if you use me, or if you hear me say the word hoga bean, I'm talking about this marriage therapy.

00:01:52 - Jenny GK
That's a great name.

00:01:53 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. I know. I like it. It kind of goes off the tongue. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, hoga bean. I'm probably saying it wrong. Doesn't matter. Okay.

00:02:02 - Jenny GK
Like a high, like, very intelligent vocabulary word.

00:02:06 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh.

00:02:07 - Jenny GK
Like, maybe it's a. It's like a geographical feature. Once I came over the hill, I saw the hoga bean.

00:02:21 - Caitlin Kindred
This toga bean was at, you know, an elevation of 1500. Oh, my gosh. We're making fun of this.

00:02:28 - Jenny GK
Who's actually giving us complimenting her name? There is a difference.

00:02:32 - Caitlin Kindred
It does sound very professional.

00:02:34 - Jenny GK
Okay, anyway, back to you.

00:02:35 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. Okay, so something serious. We're talking about the last fight you had with your partner. Think about that last fight you had with your partner. Right. Regardless of the reason for the fight, there's a chance it had been simmering for a while before it came to a rolling boil. Whatever. No matter how the fight starts or how long it lasts, there's always a moment when it's over, or you think it's over, and you probably need to say something like that. Awkward. I gotta say something. It's over. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe it's an apology or a funny line. Just whatever it is that will put you back on your regular relationship feet. Right. So I can't speak for everyone here, meaning you, because you're the. I can't speak for all of us, but my husband and I are pretty non confrontational person or people. I like to talk a big game, but when it actually comes to saying something to someone's face, I'm like, please don't make me do this. I don't really like it. It makes me really uncomfortable. So we are far better when we break the ice over text. Just how we. How we've been always. So when I saw this article about text to send to your partner after a fight, I was like, yes, this is me. And I have to share it with you guys. But I have to say caveat here. I don't recommend sending a text to break the ice when there's a fight that's gone too far up.

00:04:06 - Jenny GK
Right.

00:04:06 - Caitlin Kindred
And we know what kind of fights these are. These are the ones with name calling, hitting below the belt, literally or figuratively dismissing the other person's feelings. Y'all know what that looks like and feels like in your relationship, because every relationship has what the below the belt terms and things are. So in those situations, you and your partner need to bite the bullet, have an actual conversation, exchange apologies, unless you know he's definitely wrong. Notice I'm saying he here. Right. And it's also worth noting that when these types of fights happen, the conversation needs to address the root cause of that which may or may not be feeling misunderstood, feeling invalidated, feeling unappreciated, which often is the root of most couple fights. Right. In order to put an end to the fight. But. And I'm not a therapist, but I'm gonna say this, if you keep having the same fights over and over again about the same things and they have the same root causes, I would highly suggest going to speak to a unbiased third party, someone neutral, like a therapist, to have someone help you navigate that conversation. That needs to be.

00:05:22 - Jenny GK
Cause there's something deeper there. And having someone facilitate it will help you get through that.

00:05:27 - Caitlin Kindred
Exactly. Okay, so these texts for your partner after that fight are for any of you who come to some sort of resolution about your fight, whether the resolution is, I need to drop this. So do you. Let's drop this. Right now, yes. Or it's, you're right, I'm wrong. Or it's, here's how we fix this problem, whatever the resolution is.

00:05:51 - Jenny GK
Or we're sweeping it under the pretending what these are for so that we can be friends again.

00:05:58 - Caitlin Kindred
Also an option. Not one I recommend, but also an option, yes, again, not a therapist. Whatever works for you.

00:06:08 - Jenny GK
I can identify unhealthy practices. However, I'm not a doctor, but I've been teaching long enough that I know what pink eye looks like.

00:06:19 - Caitlin Kindred
Right, exactly. Yeah. So this person, this Caroline hoga vine topiary name, that's not topiary topography. I kind of like topiary, but topiary is a nice word, too. Yeah.

00:06:33 - Jenny GK
Okay, I'm gonna use the hoga bean approach.

00:06:35 - Caitlin Kindred
The hoga bean, right.

00:06:37 - Jenny GK
Can you pass me my hoga bean.

00:06:38 - Caitlin Kindred
So that I can't.

00:06:40 - Jenny GK
I'm trying to. I'm trying to sculpt this into the shape of Donald Duck. I'm gonna have to use a double hog of.

00:06:50 - Caitlin Kindred
She recommends, like, two types of texts, and I think that most people would probably agree. These are two common ones. For those of us who actually use this method, one of them is the joke route, where the other one is the heartfelt apology, genuine feeling text. Right. But I'm gonna say this. Here's the deal. In the words of my favorite father in law, here's the deal. You know your partner, you know it works. What doesn't work, what would make things worse, etcetera. So you are gonna have to be choosy about.

00:07:24 - Jenny GK
There is no one size fits all conversation here, right?

00:07:27 - Caitlin Kindred
Nope. And you might choose one.

00:07:31 - Jenny GK
Absolutely.

00:07:32 - Caitlin Kindred
One type of fight and another.

00:07:34 - Jenny GK
It's not even like, yeah. Family to family. It's like situation to sit.

00:07:38 - Caitlin Kindred
No. Right, exactly. So I'm gonna start with the jokes because you and I like the funny. If you go the joke route, for the love of all that is holy on this earth and outside of this earth, think about the freaking joke. Please. Just think about the joke. Okay. Intent versus impact, right? This is a sensitive time. Do not make jokes that will insult your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Okay? Do not minimize or invalidate their feelings or your own, because here's the deal. The fight happened for a reason, so invalidating your feelings is not going to make you feel any better, and invalidating theirs just makes it worse. So just no invalidating. Okay. And whatever joke you make, again, for the love of all that is holy, make sure it is one that you would laugh at together and not at the other person with yes.

00:08:39 - Jenny GK
Right?

00:08:40 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. Those are the rules. And now we all know as teachers, Jenny and I love a good sentence starter. So I have some sentence starters that I pulled from this article.

00:08:48 - Jenny GK
I love this.

00:08:49 - Caitlin Kindred
Some of them are not that funny. I'm just going to say it. I am better at making these than they are. However, these might be a good place for you to start, and then you make your own. Okay, so here's one of them. Was that argument like a forest fire that made everything a little easier to grow? Or do we just need to keep lighting some more matches? Okay. Okay. So how was that for you? Or my personal version of this is. So. That was fun. Yeah. And again, these only work if your partner can, like, read the text and hear it in your tone. Right. Like, you just have to know. You have to know each other. Okay. Let me know when you're ready for some funny memes from me because I really am sorry. And I've got some good ones to share. I feel so bad about our fight that I'll let you pick the show tonight. There you go. What do you want for dinner? Cause, like, the least I can do is order some chinese or something. Okay. Hello, is this phone number open to receiving text messages from me?

00:10:06 - Jenny GK
Oh, that's good. That's good.

00:10:08 - Caitlin Kindred
Am I unblocked? Basically.

00:10:11 - Jenny GK
Hi, this is Jenny GK You know, we've probably secretary. Are you available?

00:10:16 - Caitlin Kindred
Right, right. Do memes come through on this text or no? Yeah, here's another one. You know, we probably wouldn't have to fight if you just let my fragile ego be the star of the show, just like once in a while. I'm sorry. Now, I personally think these are. There are some better ones you can come up with, but I obviously ad libbed some of these. The delivery is important here, so just making sure that you've got the good delivery is going to be key. But I do like the idea of these, where you are intentionally making light of the situation, but also acknowledging that something did happen. That's a big deal.

00:10:57 - Jenny GK
You can't just, like, blow it. Okay. Or as I said, sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

00:11:04 - Caitlin Kindred
The wasp approach. Yes, I am very familiar. Yeah. Okay, here's my personal preference, which is the genuine route. I know my partner, and jokes only work after the ice has been broken and not as the icebreaker.

00:11:21 - Jenny GK
Okay?

00:11:21 - Caitlin Kindred
So for me, these work better. And at the end of the day, everyone has moments where they say the wrong thing, they put their foot in their mouth, they overreact. Just thinking about a few things here will help you decide whether or not the joke or the genuine is the right way to go. So, first of all, I'm sorry you're upset or I'm sorry you feel that way. Are not apologies. No, we're not going to use those. Those are not. Okay. Also, no throwaway. Sorry. Here. S o r r y apostrophe right. Is only meant for when you are running late to a podcast session because you over which I know nothing about.

00:12:07 - Jenny GK
And it was scheduled not 10:00 a.m.

00:12:10 - Caitlin Kindred
And we started at 1048, y'all.

00:12:13 - Jenny GK
I had my alarm set for eight. It went off and I was like, why do I have an alarm set on Saturday? Turn that off. 08:00 is not a time that teachers wake up during the week. I set that alarm on purpose. I should have recognized that it was 08:00 and not 530.

00:12:31 - Caitlin Kindred
I was just like, well, the best for me. Yeah. We also made this appointment like a month ago, and I still wasn't ready, so it helped. I mean, we were both late. It's fine. That's when the sorry with the exclamation point is appropriate. But not during this situation. Okay. Also, I'm going to channel my Keeley Jones from Ted Lasso here. Accountability goes a long way. Accountability matters, Jamie. Like, you have to be accountable for the things that you say and do. So a genuine remark here might actually demonstrate that accountability. Right. And much like the emotionally intense, deep feeling kids episode where we give kids a way to express their feelings without eye contact and without being confrontational. Oh, my gosh. I tried it actually. Did it work for you?

00:13:21 - Jenny GK
It super worked.

00:13:22 - Caitlin Kindred
It worked for me.

00:13:22 - Jenny GK
Yeah. We sat on the floor and I looked at Kit and said, okay, I want you to close your eyes and I'm gonna say some things, and you give me thumbs up, thumbs sideways, or thumbs down, depending on if they're true or sort of true or not true at all. And we went through and we had a whole conversation, and he loved it.

00:13:38 - Caitlin Kindred
It works. It works for me. Doctor Becky, bless you. Amazing.

00:13:44 - Jenny GK
Go back and listen to that.

00:13:45 - Caitlin Kindred
If you intrigued last season, go listen. But just like that, it's an eyes closed way to have the emotionally intense moment without any sort of confrontation. Right? There's no eye contact. There's no close to, like, you can do it if you're sitting on the couch next to each other. Right. It doesn't matter. You just, you just send the message. It's. It's better. So here's some more sentence starters that might help you. And these are not funny. Although I would like to deliver them in a way that is, but no. Okay. One of them is. I really am sorry, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you could go a long way for someone who's feeling unappreciated. Yep. I love you. I'm on your team. Always another good one. I know fights happen, but I still don't like them. I'm sorry. Mm hmm. I like it, too. Do you want to get ice cream after dinner and talk about that fight? First of all, the answer is always yes to the first part. You will win if you offer me ice cream. So, yes. Not win the fight, but, like, win my attention. Yes. Life. You will win life. Can we take a walk when I get home and just reset? Mm hmm. Especially if, like, that outdoor. If you guys are outdoor people, that might really, really help. I'm sorry you didn't feel heard earlier today. I promise to try harder. I bolded that one. My gosh. I am so sorry. I never want to fight with you.

00:15:20 - Jenny GK
Oh, I couldn't say that. That's not true. There are times when I like going to it. I'm like, yeah, I'm looking for a fight today.

00:15:27 - Caitlin Kindred
Do you ever do the, like, dopamine shower fight?

00:15:31 - Jenny GK
Oh.

00:15:31 - Caitlin Kindred
Where you, like, have a fight with either your partner or the bank teller or whoever it was, and you just lay into them in the shower, and it feels so good afterwards, and then you're like, I might be ready for a fight. I might be. I don't do that at all. She says we can talk more whenever you're ready. I just want to tell you I'm sorry.

00:15:53 - Jenny GK
That's good. That's good.

00:15:54 - Caitlin Kindred
I like that one, too. Whenever you're ready. Yeah, exactly. You've acknowledged something happened, but you're letting them have their moment, and when they feel ready, they can come to you. I really appreciate how you kept our disagreement from being hurtful. Yeah. Thank you for validating my feelings. I'm looking forward to being with you tonight. This is good for when you're, like, at work and you're coming back together, right? I can't wait to see you. I really am so sorry about earlier. I understand you may still be hurt. I just want to say again how sorry I am.

00:16:33 - Jenny GK
That's really good. You don't have to.

00:16:35 - Caitlin Kindred
That's a really good one, too, right? No. And also, I hurt you, so you're still. You know what I mean? Like, there's. There's a lot about that that's accountable and all that. So again, choosing the one that works best for the situation and for you and your partner, whoever that may be, is important. That said, no matter what, just remember that your fight happened for a reason. You. There's a feelings there. Addressing the reason instead of focusing on what the fight was actually about will keep everyone feeling safe and happy and heard. So just send the text, say you're sorry and do better next time.

00:17:16 - Jenny GK
Yeah.

00:17:17 - Caitlin Kindred
All right, let's take a break.

00:17:18 - Jenny GK
We need it.

00:17:23 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes. And we're back.

00:17:28 - Jenny GK
It's time for us to talk about what we're obsessed with.

00:17:31 - Caitlin Kindred
Let's do it.

00:17:32 - Jenny GK
For me right now, it is a product. You know how you get your hyper fixation foods.

00:17:39 - Caitlin Kindred
I was just gonna say, is this your hyper fixation food? Because that's what my obsession is.

00:17:46 - Jenny GK
We try not to eat as, like, yucky carbs. Sometimes we do. Right? Like, it's. It's not like we're as strict as we used to be where it was, like, zero carbs. If it's not in a vegetable, we don't eat it. Um, it's not so bad that time, but we, like, do try and stay away from the yucky ones, which are also the yummy ones.

00:18:07 - Caitlin Kindred
French fries, bread, bagels. You know, I love bread. Okay.

00:18:14 - Jenny GK
Barilla that, like, I think that's how you say it.

00:18:17 - Caitlin Kindred
The barilla that past.

00:18:21 - Jenny GK
Yeah.

00:18:21 - Caitlin Kindred
I don't know.

00:18:21 - Jenny GK
The pasta company, I was a bad. Makes chickpea pasta good and not like it's a good substitute for pasta. Like, it is a good food. Okay, so the twisty noodle shape is pretty good. I've used it, and the elbows are pretty good. But the best is the orzo.

00:18:48 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, I love orzo pasta.

00:18:49 - Jenny GK
The thing is, because it's such small pieces, like, the texture isn't as important when you're chewing the noodle.

00:18:54 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:56 - Jenny GK
It is so good. It absorbs sauce. Like, you can put little pesto on. It's delicious, and it cooks up super fast. Now, when you look at it, it looks like some kind of, like, pellet rabbit food, because essentially, to make it orzo, they have, like, rolled out a sheet of this chickpea pasta dough and just, like, cut it into little squares. But when it cooks up, it looks like normal orzo, and it is so good. And it's made with only chickpeas and water.

00:19:30 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay, that's great. I'm gonna have to pick some of that up because it sounds really. I really want some pasta right now.

00:19:37 - Jenny GK
Everybody wants pasta all the time. And if you say you don't I.

00:19:41 - Caitlin Kindred
Already had breakfast tacos. I had breakfast tacos this morning, and now I want pasta. Maybe my obsession is just food, right? Maybe that's what mine is right now. Okay, but my actual, like, type of food obsession, my hyper fixation right now. You remember when I went through the chili lime almond obsession where, like, I bought, like, four bags, these ten dollar bags. I bought, like, four of them at one time. Not healthy behavior. That said, I'm back on the almonds. But it's wasabi. I love this time. Oh, my gosh. Why are they so good? Well, anything wasabi right now? Like, there's. Heb has a wasabi trail mix that has, like, wonton pieces and peanuts and wasabi peas and some other stuff, and I love it. But the wasabi almonds. Oh, my gosh. Can't stop, won't stop. Don't want to stop. So good. Delicious. Anyway.

00:20:40 - Jenny GK
Can't stop, won't stop. Don't want to stop.

00:20:44 - Caitlin Kindred
Nope. Don't want to.

00:20:46 - Jenny GK
They told me I should go to rehab, but I said, no, no, no.

00:20:54 - Caitlin Kindred
I don't need that. I ain't got the time. Here we go. And I. My husband thinks it's fine. Stupid. All right, so, gems.

00:21:09 - Jenny GK
All right, so, as you know, Abigail is very into this flag football thing. She's loving it. She's playing her a little heart out, and she has become a more, as we would say in school, assertive player. What they say on the field is beyond aggressive. Be, be aggressive. Okay, so, like, she's growing into, like, not being afraid of the ball, not being afraid of accidental contact, driving after a play. Like, she. She's really developed this sense of athleticism, right? She's reading the field, she's figuring things out.

00:21:48 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah.

00:21:49 - Jenny GK
And, you know, there's the joke that, like, if you're afraid of the ball, it's gonna hit you. Like, just be ready. If you're not afraid, you will bat it away or you will catch it, but if you're afraid, it's going to nail you right in the face. She loves to play defense, and in this play, a catch was made, and the running back was, like, plowing through the defense, just turning her hips. Nothing's being pulled. She is very, very close to the end zone. Well, she railed. Abby just ran right through her. And as she is falling down, my girl, power girl. And I cleaned that up, pulled that flag.

00:22:44 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, get it?

00:22:46 - Jenny GK
Girl smacked. She's on her way down. She grabs the flag. On her way to the ground. When she stands back up, she is leaning over. Well, I was concerned that she had, like, hurt her back because she wouldn't stand straight up.

00:22:58 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, God.

00:22:59 - Jenny GK
But no, she got a nosebleed. She is bleeding all over, and she's yelling to the side, like, it looks.

00:23:05 - Caitlin Kindred
Worse than it is.

00:23:06 - Jenny GK
I'm okay. I'm okay. Like, she's not.

00:23:09 - Caitlin Kindred
I love her. Oh, my gosh. I love her.

00:23:12 - Jenny GK
Couldn't get it to stop. She's on the sideline, and it's just bleeding. It's just bleeding. Now one of the dads is a medic and is working with her and trying to figure things out. Everybody's, like, rating their handbags for different tissues and hands. I either. And, like, tampons. Well, we went that route, too.

00:23:31 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, do it.

00:23:32 - Jenny GK
Well, at one point, she, like, bleeds a clot that I swear you can see from the moon.

00:23:40 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, that's. And that's how it's stopping. Right, right.

00:23:43 - Jenny GK
Saying her, like, don't worry, that's a good thing. You want that? But he takes clutter of her with this, like, blood booger hanging out of her nose.

00:23:53 - Caitlin Kindred
Who does that?

00:23:54 - Jenny GK
And then post it on the Internet and tags JJ Watt. And it's like, this is my daughter doing the best JJ Watt.

00:24:01 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, Lord.

00:24:02 - Jenny GK
Shows her blood on her shoes.

00:24:03 - Caitlin Kindred
Do we have an answer?

00:24:04 - Jenny GK
I haven't had one yet, but yet is the operative word. She also, like, bled all over her shoes, which she's not gonna wash.

00:24:13 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, my goodness.

00:24:14 - Jenny GK
We should paint it with clear nail polish, like, seal it in. These are your Nolan Ryan.

00:24:20 - Caitlin Kindred
She dips in the. Oh, gross. The Nolan Ryan shoes.

00:24:25 - Jenny GK
That's so nasty. So, yeah, we were looking at pictures of when he got nailed in the face by Joe Bo Jackson's line drive. And then, like, went back to pitching. And there's blood all over.

00:24:34 - Caitlin Kindred
Went back to pitch everywhere. Yeah.

00:24:39 - Jenny GK
And no tears means that it was a funny memory.

00:24:41 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah. There you go. That's the core memory right there. She'll carry that with her for a long time. Well, I don't have anything funny today. I just returned from the suburbs outside of Chicago, so I was there for my brother's wedding. So I just wanted to say a short congratulations to my brother and his new wife. It was lovely to meet her and her and her whole family. It was really great. And love you, and welcome to my new sister in law. Her name is Caitlin. She spells it differently than me, but her name is Caitlin. She looks entirely different from me, which is, I'm sure, helpful for my brother and for her, too, because I don't think they'd be married. But it's just. It was an absolute delight to be there for the wedding. So I'm just. My gem is all the family time we had together. Congratulations to them. Love them both.

00:25:35 - Jenny GK
That's amazing. Yeah. All right, well, with that, we have to tell you. Season four. Please tell your friends and some stars and make good choices.

00:25:49 - Caitlin Kindred
It's our senior year. I don't like senior with myself.

00:25:58 - Jenny GK
A promise.

00:26:04 - Caitlin Kindred
How do we do that? We just sit in our chairs and we have our headphones on. But we're wearing prom dresses. I'll go find my vintage Jessica McLintock.

00:26:12 - Jenny GK
Oh, my God. That's so good.

00:26:15 - Caitlin Kindred
I probably still have it from my sorority formals.

00:26:19 - Jenny GK
That is exactly what I needed you to say. Yes, Jessica. With my talk with that.

00:26:29 - Caitlin Kindred
We gotta go.

00:26:30 - Jenny GK
Make good choices.

00:26:32 - Caitlin Kindred
And when you can't play nice with your partner, just send them a nice text later.

00:26:36 - Jenny GK
Okay. Bye.

00:26:37 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay, bye.