The Surprisingly Easy Line To Say Instead Of 'Go to Your Room'

00:00:00 - Jenny GK
It's Tuesday.

00:00:01 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, it is, man. And we're so glad you're here. Why is my throat we just started talking. My throat is already a mess. That's the end of our show. Bye, guys. Anyway, yeah, today we're talking about why I'm a parenting thing that I need to fix for myself.

00:00:23 - Jenny GK
OOH, yeah.

00:00:25 - Caitlin Kindred
Vulnerability. Yeah, vulnerability. Parent shame and guilt. And how I can fix it and how you can too.

00:00:34 - Jenny GK
Oh, awesome. All right, well, Caitlin, you're cooler than the other side of the pillow.

00:00:41 - Caitlin Kindred
That's also the place where the nightmares go away. Did you know that?

00:00:44 - Jenny GK
Oh, I did not know you heard that.

00:00:46 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah. Our friend of the show, Ariella, said that when she would have nightmares as a kid, her mom would say, we'll turn the pillow over because the nightmares are on the other oh. And then you'd go back to sleep and the nightmares go away. I need to start remembering that because sometimes my child has nightmares and he definitely has to scream at two in the morning and say, mom, nightmare, and tell us. Okay, well, that's Jenny over there. She's my magnificent tree of life. And I know I thought that one was sweet.

00:01:17 - Jenny GK
It is good.

00:01:17 - Caitlin Kindred
And I'm just very grateful. You guys don't know this, but part of our catch up session, our conversations we have recorded are part of it, but we also have conversations before this and Jenny gives me energy. She's amazing. You guys all need a friend like her. Okay, so I'm going to start this out by saying a couple of things. Our full interview with Taylor Lawrence of the Washington Post is on.

00:01:42 - Jenny GK
Yes.

00:01:43 - Caitlin Kindred
If you want to watch that, head over to our channel. You can search for at CK and GK podcast or Caitlin and Jenny. And you'll see our logo. It's there. So check it out on YouTube. And you actually don't have to search for it.

00:01:55 - Jenny GK
If you subscribe, it just comes to you.

00:01:57 - Caitlin Kindred
It's true. This is true. And you do get notifications about it. Just go ahead and subscribe.

00:02:01 - Jenny GK
Just do that.

00:02:02 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah.

00:02:03 - Jenny GK
And then you don't have to search anymore. It'll come right up on your feed.

00:02:06 - Caitlin Kindred
Yep. And also we have a cool website that not to toot my own horn or anything, but like beep beep. I've been working on it and it's got some really good things on there, like show notes, links to resources. If we have products that we recommend and we have a link for them, we put them there. Bonus content related to episodes. So like, when Ariella writes a blog for us, we put her stuff up there and she's kind of a professional writer, so you should check those out. And lots of other resources available, so go to CK & GK Podcast to find it. And it's all one word, the word and is spelled out. So CK and GK podcast, just like our social media channels. Check that out.

00:02:49 - Jenny GK
Very cool. That's awesome. All right, so now we can talk about what we're obsessed with. So I am not going to promote one product. I can't believe I'm saying this. Promote a person who promotes a product.

00:03:12 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, that influencer culture. It's really coming through today. Coming through. It's doing okay.

00:03:18 - Jenny GK
Okay. So this girl's name is Molly McCormick, and she has two different instagrams, I guess, is what I would say. I don't know. But her personal is Molly underscore, McAwesome underscore, and her like job is at Mammoth Underscore club.

00:03:43 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay.

00:03:44 - Jenny GK
And Caitlin, get ready for this because this is vulnerability. This is me, Sherry.

00:03:50 - Caitlin Kindred
I'm ready.

00:03:51 - Jenny GK
She's a Disney World. Like visiting influencer. She lives in Florida and goes to Disney World every like that's her job.

00:04:03 - Caitlin Kindred
Makes money off of how she goes to Disney World every day. Yeah. She like, recommending things.

00:04:08 - Jenny GK
Yes. She goes to Disney and Universal or whatever. She and her husband and I think some of their friends are in this Mammoth Club where they just go to different parks and make videos and tell you what to eat and where to go and how to use FastPass and blah, blah.

00:04:25 - Caitlin Kindred
I need this job. I need this job.

00:04:28 - Jenny GK
I want this job.

00:04:29 - Caitlin Kindred
This is the job for me. Yes. I can do this. I can be a Disney person and do this job. Yes.

00:04:35 - Jenny GK
So she makes these videos in Florida with perfect makeup and hair. She's eating things, and her lipstick is still on her face after she takes bites of food or drinks of her favorite coffee. So one day, my husband and I are watching these videos, and I said, how does her lipstick stay on, Ruth? Okay. And my husband says, oh, she wears maybelline superstay lipstick.

00:05:10 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes, yes. I love that lipstick.

00:05:13 - Jenny GK
And I was like, first off, John, why do you know that? He's like, oh, because I follow that personal account too.

00:05:21 - Caitlin Kindred
And then I realized that's like, the more important part. Oh, here's the lipstick. Meanwhile, I'm just like, yes. It's so great. That's really funny.

00:05:29 - Jenny GK
Why is a man in his late 30s knowing what type of lipstick it is? He said, no, she has an Amazon storefront where she lists all of her makeup products.

00:05:39 - Caitlin Kindred
Of course, yes.

00:05:40 - Jenny GK
So this is like a year and a half ago that I got hooked on this Maybelline Superstay. And, you know, I've talked about it like, it stays everywhere unless you put lip gloss on.

00:05:50 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh. Then it runs everywhere. And I have the bright red, and I learned that lesson the very hard way, and it doesn't rub off of your skin. So you have to go in and be extra careful about getting it off of your skin if it's not on your lips. So just caution for you.

00:06:07 - Jenny GK
I try not to put it on without a makeup wipe handy.

00:06:11 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah. And if you do, put on your chapstick first, then kind of wipe it off so that your lips are moisturized but not like, slippery and then put it on. Yeah. Life hack. You're welcome.

00:06:23 - Jenny GK
There you go.

00:06:24 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. Maybelline superstay.

00:06:26 - Jenny GK
So I've been watching her, whatever, whatever. And then I said to John a couple of weeks ago, I said, I really think I need to buy some big girl eyeliner because this product that I've been using just smears so much, and I just look like a raccoon all day. And he said, Go check out what Molly wears. And I had forgotten all about this Amazon storefront of all of her makeup. So I went to it, and it's NYX Epic Wear, another drugstore brand.

00:07:00 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, wow.

00:07:02 - Jenny GK
And as I'm combing through, I said, oh, my gosh. We use this for dry shampoo and hairspray. So she's, like, super down to earth, really accessible, and looks flawless.

00:07:18 - Caitlin Kindred
Here for it.

00:07:19 - Jenny GK
So at molly.

00:07:20 - Caitlin Kindred
McAwesome, angelic. Okay, I'm going to have to go take a look because I love beauty and skincare products. It's just like, a thing that I have. I like to try them all out, and I love the expensive brands, but I can afford the drugstore brands. So it's really nice to have someone who's accessible but still looks the way you want to feel put together when you put makeup on. Right? So I love that.

00:07:45 - Jenny GK
That's a great I have plenty of things in my drawers that didn't come from the drugstore, but it was really cool to say, okay, I really need a better eyeliner. And what was better was something that I could go pick up at HEB.

00:08:01 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, that is really nice.

00:08:03 - Jenny GK
All right.

00:08:05 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah. Okay. We talked about this briefly in season two, but in case you missed it, neon Dion, coach prime. Yes. Dion Sanders is the head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes football team. I don't want to oversell this, but I've seen several articles recently saying he has literally saved this program. Okay. Now, as a Colorado Buffalo twice over, and my husband is also a Colorado Buffalo twice over, this matters. This matters, right? Like, this matters. It's a big deal. So at the time of this recording, there's a game today, and it's against Oregon, and I'm very much prepared for us to lose. However, we are three and O at this time, which is a big deal. And last week when we played our in state rival, Colorado State University please don't mix those two up. They are not the same thing. It's like mixing up UT and Texas A and M. Yes. They are not the same.

00:09:15 - Jenny GK
We do not mix they are not the same.

00:09:17 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah. No, you do not mix them up. So when we played them both the Fox Morning Football program and ESPN game day Saturday morning. Yeah, game day, morning show were in Boulder. We also had Lil Wayne there, The Rock, and several other very famous rappers literally on the sidelines of this game. This was a big deal. And it's wild to watch because we have been irrelevant for at least ten years, right? Completely irrelevant. And now people are paying attention, and it's all anyone can talk about on football college football talk shows. So if you have a partner in your life who is into college football and they watch the shows, there's a good chance you've been hearing about this just randomly on the sideline of whatever conversation they're having. And it's been very fun, and I'm really into it. The other thing I'm into, and of course, I have to bring it around to a product because that's just who I am. Dion shows up to practices looking like only Dion can, but he also shows up to games looking like only Dion can with, like, big chains, and very much I wear my sunglasses at night kind of dude, right? And I love it so much. And I also have a thing for accessories, in particular purses and sunglasses. I just can't get enough of them, and I've really reined it in, but I have a problem, and sunglasses are so fun, and he has this pair that they're blenders. So if you're looking for the brand, blenders is the brand, and they kind of look like Ray Bans in shape, but they're gold reflective, and they're on pre order right now. You know I already ordered. You know I did. They are, like, loud and flashy and obnoxious, and I was like, I must have these. And I dropped, like $60 to go get these sunglasses, and I don't even get them until December, and I don't care. I am so excited for these sunglasses. And he's, like, handing them out to everyone. So when The Rock shows up next to Dion during college game day, they're both wearing these glasses. Well, his signature glasses are aviators. He always wears the same black lens aviators with gold trim or gold frames. And he was like, nah, nah, you need these. And hands them to The Rock, hands them to the entire staff of people who are hosting college game day and all that, hands them out to the kids on the team. And that's part of it. There's a backstory there about some guy talking not some guy, the CSU head coach talking a bunch of crap about what happens when you wear your sunglasses in a yeah, you can get into that, but but he was, like, just handing them out just to everybody, and I was like, I realize it's not original. I don't care. I'm getting on the train. So neon Dion. I know he hates that nickname. Sorry, Coach Prime. I'm all about the sunglasses. I'm ready. I'm here for it. Go. See you. Go, buffs. I'm down. I love it. It is a good time to be a Colorado Buffalo right now.

00:12:46 - Jenny GK
So about ten years ago, it was a really great time to be a Texas Aggie because we had Johnny Football.

00:12:55 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes, you did.

00:12:55 - Jenny GK
And it was amazing to watch him beat Bama. I mean, the whole team, but mostly just him and have him win the Heisman. I need to say something to you. I'm coming from experience. Sometimes it doesn't go how you think it's going to go.

00:13:18 - Caitlin Kindred
I understand and I am prepared. As someone who has been devastated and who has been so dejected by our football program, I know how it feels and I honestly live in that space most of the time. That's part of why this is so surreal. Right. But, yes, I understand it. And I am preparing my soul okay. For when it returns to an extra.

00:13:42 - Jenny GK
Quart of ice cream in the freezer. Now is what I'm saying.

00:13:47 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. All right. My sad ice cream. Yes, this is my sad ice cream. Okay. I got it. I'm ready. Okay.

00:13:56 - Jenny GK
So my Gem of the week also connects to football. Okay. I don't know if you've heard, but there is a football team here in Austin associated with some university downtown. I can't remember the name, but they're like cows or something.

00:14:13 - Caitlin Kindred
You're so disrespectful right now. You are so disrespectful right now and you know it.

00:14:21 - Jenny GK
Okay, so my husband is a Texas Longhorn and came from a family dynasty of longhorns, but also got his master's degree. He he loves this university. And their football program is also looking pretty great this year for the first.

00:14:39 - Caitlin Kindred
Time in a while.

00:14:40 - Jenny GK
Yeah. And not just like, hey, things are great at the first game where we play, to quote Uncle Dan Krappensburg State, it is looking good in general. And they played Alabama and beat Alabama in Alabama. And with the exception of the University of Texas, there is no football program I dislike more than Bama. So it was pretty great. The next morning we go to a church that is heavily populated with these Longhorns. The next morning we're at church. They played the eyes of Texas in the service. We're driving home and John has cranked it all the way up. And Kit, my four year old, says, I think I know this song.

00:15:45 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes.

00:15:45 - Jenny GK
Well, for those of you who don't know The Eyes of Texas, you do know The Eyes of Texas because it is I've Been Working on the Railroad. And so Kit starts singing, oh, how cute is that? And John is just crushed because Kit says, oh, I think I know this song. He's like, yeah, you do. This is our school. We love it. And then he starts singing that and I died. As someone who went to the rival school, it was great to hear my kid sing I've Been Working on the Railroad right back to him.

00:16:29 - Caitlin Kindred
Oh, my poor John. He just must have been completely yes.

00:16:33 - Jenny GK
It was that moment of like, my son has disappointed me.

00:16:37 - Caitlin Kindred
And then you also self reflect and you're like, what have I not? Yeah. Oh, man. Well, I have a parenting win because I'm going to crush my own hopes and dreams later on. As we get into our topic. So I have to give myself a parenting. There you go.

00:16:54 - Jenny GK
Sandwich it. Sandwich it.

00:16:55 - Caitlin Kindred
It is my child's favorite season. It is officially fall, and Texas is even starting to feel a little bit like it. We've now gone from temperatures in the 106 108 range to roughly 98.

00:17:09 - Jenny GK
And there's, like a little crispness in the air.

00:17:12 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes. Only in the morning for about 30 minutes. But we are getting that it's turning. And my son is obsessed with Halloween. He has been asking us for two weeks when we are going to start putting out the outdoor Halloween decorations that are massive. It's like a giant spider web with big spiders. Plus the blow up dinosaurs, the trigger treat baskets. Yes. Named Pumpkiny because it has a pumpkin head and skelly. Anyway, so that means he's already had his costume picked out for weeks, obviously. Right? Obviously. So he also has rotating obsessions. We've gone from Pokemon to Godzilla, back to Pokemon, then to Ninjago, then back to Pokemon, and then Godzilla. And there's always just a running theme of Godzilla and Pokemon and really everything we do. And so I was very prepared for him to have conflicting ideas of what he wanted to be for Halloween. But he chose Charizard from Pokemon. I found a Charizard costume that has wings, and he's into it. And when that happened, my husband also sent me a Pokeball Halloween bucket. Like, think like when you were a kid and McDonald's had the buckets that Halloween.

00:18:44 - Jenny GK
Yes. He's got to catch them all.

00:18:47 - Caitlin Kindred
He's got to catch them all. So exactly. It's the candies. He's going to catch them all. My husband sent me the Pokeball Halloween Bucket, and then I bought the costume, and I was like, okay, but he has to have the bucket. I can't do one and not the other. So we get in the costume. He tries it on. Immediately it fits it's. Now, the thing that he wears as often as possible.

00:19:13 - Jenny GK
Love it.

00:19:14 - Caitlin Kindred
So clearly I win. Yeah, we won. And then I was like, okay, I'm doing it. And I get out the Pokeball Halloween bucket, and he looks at me and he goes, oh, my God. You guys think of everything. Yeah, we do.

00:19:31 - Jenny GK
Yeah, we do.

00:19:33 - Caitlin Kindred
I know. I was like, so you like it? And he was like, I love this. Like, enthusiastic. I love this. And I was just like, I win. And I was like, dad found the bucket. Mom bought it.

00:19:47 - Jenny GK
I win.

00:19:50 - Caitlin Kindred
So emotional because so often we'll get him something, and I think I'm going to get this great reaction. And he's like, yeah, okay. But this time I nailed it, and it felt it's amazing.

00:20:02 - Jenny GK
Okay, well, I also have a Halloween costume story that I have to share, even if there's yeah, you do. This is my double gem. My parents picked up Kit from school one day this week. They're driving, and from the backseat. He says, you know that lion costume that you made for my mom? My dad says, yeah, I know about that lion costume. It's pretty much the thing I'm the most proud of I've ever made. So yeah. Know the lion costume? He says, yeah, when I'm grown up and I have my own children, you're going to have to bring that costume to my individual house. My individual house. And my mom says, okay, we'll bring it to your individual house. And then Kit says, but what if you're oh.

00:20:53 - Caitlin Kindred
Well, I won't bring it there.

00:20:55 - Jenny GK
Then my mom says, I'll just make sure I get it to you before I die.

00:21:04 - Caitlin Kindred
It's a great answer. That's a great way. What if you're dead?

00:21:11 - Jenny GK
I would be really sad. It's more like, but I really need this costume.

00:21:16 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. The logistics of this are difficult for me. If you're dead, how do I get.

00:21:20 - Jenny GK
Now let me tell you this. Yes. This costume my dad made for me when I was, like, three, and it's a family heirloom. All three of my generation have worn it, and all of the grandkids at some point will wear it. And it is very homemade, but it is clearly a lion. Like, he hand sewed in different colors of yarn to be the main. And he sculpted a tail and found brown terry cloth towels and sewed it around the tail so that the tail is also furry. I mean, it's a really great costume.

00:22:02 - Caitlin Kindred
Wow.

00:22:03 - Jenny GK
And it comes from the era of either you bought the plastic costume with the matching plastic mask, or you made your own costume.

00:22:11 - Caitlin Kindred
Right.

00:22:11 - Jenny GK
This is really the mid 80s. We did not have these really great costumes that you could just buy. So everybody has worn this costume, including Kit. And he hated it. He cried the whole time.

00:22:31 - Caitlin Kindred
But he understands the significance of passing it on to his own children. My mom's like, I guess we're going.

00:22:37 - Jenny GK
To call our attorney tonight and tell him to make sure that the lion.

00:22:40 - Caitlin Kindred
Costume gets the kit goes in the will, right? Oh, gosh.

00:22:46 - Jenny GK
So morbid.

00:22:47 - Caitlin Kindred
And they also like, when they say things like that, they don't mean anything by it. They're really just thinking about the logistics. But they do say it very we'll say things, well, you know, this is your grandfather, and Sam will be like, well, yeah, but he's dead, so we can't really worry about that right now. Yes, you're right. Also ouch. Kind of hurts my feelings a little bit. And he's not trying to be it's just a know right. If we're talking about one of my grandparents or Bryce's father, he'll be like, yep, yeah, he's the one who's dead. Right. Okay, well, then let's talk about okay, great. It is what it is.

00:23:29 - Jenny GK
Soften that a little bit.

00:23:30 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay.

00:23:31 - Jenny GK
Yeah.

00:23:32 - Caitlin Kindred
Just maybe just say he's the one who's passed. Right. I'm sorry that happened. Now how do I get the copy? Oh, man. All right, we'll be right back with our real talk. All right, we're back. We are. We're back.

00:23:49 - Jenny GK
We're back.

00:23:50 - Caitlin Kindred
Why did we need a break? Jen.

00:23:54 - Jenny GK
So my nose was running, and it was starting to get to that point where I looked like a three year old child. It's like, dripping down my face, and I'm trying to wipe it, and it's getting long and stringy. And I am at my desk, which is in our guest room, and I don't have any tissues or anything, so I just reached over to the guest bed and pulled off a pillowcase and put my health on that.

00:24:28 - Caitlin Kindred
We promised you real talk and you're getting it right here, right now. The funny thing is, if you could see me during every recording, my nose is always running all the time, and I'm just over here with my tissue, just rubbing it inside my nose every other minute. So I'm, like, addicted to tissues on my desk and she has none. So she used a pillowcase.

00:24:47 - Jenny GK
Used a pillowcase. So if you stay the night at my house and there's blue pillowcases, you flip that puppy over. No, I'm washing it. Come on. I'm washing it.

00:24:59 - Caitlin Kindred
Just say that. Just have it next to you so.

00:25:01 - Jenny GK
That you can oh, no. It's handy for the remainder of the recording. In for a penny, in for a pound. Caitlin yeah.

00:25:13 - Caitlin Kindred
When the seasons change here, I don't know if that's what's doing it, but my nose always runs it's all season long. I just can't stop. I don't normally experience that's why we took a break.

00:25:22 - Jenny GK
I don't normally experience it.

00:25:24 - Caitlin Kindred
Really? That was rough, though. You did have them.

00:25:29 - Jenny GK
It was pretty gross. That is exactly what I had.

00:25:35 - Caitlin Kindred
That's the face only a mother could love. When it's all shiny and covered. Yeah.

00:25:39 - Jenny GK
And even then, I have a friend who says that preschool boogers are his kryptonite.

00:25:44 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, no, he's like, I can handle.

00:25:45 - Jenny GK
Everything, except that the preschool boogers, they're so gross. And it was all over my face. Caitlin it was so gross.

00:25:54 - Caitlin Kindred
No, I saw it. I could see it.

00:26:00 - Jenny GK
All right.

00:26:01 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. So anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you. This is why we're here, folks, just to share our lives with you. I did a thing. I did a thing. In case you're wondering, the transition from myself to my parents is complete. Oh, my God. You're, your mother happened and my father. Both yeah. And there's been a few times where I've had this happen. My mom will, when she's tired of her hair, she'll put in a bunch of claw clips and just have six in her hair and have them all be in her hair at once to get it all off her neck or whatever. If she doesn't feel like putting it up, I do that. Sure, I have the same walk as my mother, and I do have her mannerisms in a lot of ways, but this was definitely me and my mom and my dad merged into one.

00:26:57 - Jenny GK
Opened your mouth and your parents came out.

00:26:59 - Caitlin Kindred
I opened my mouth and the phrase go to your room came out of it, yes. So I have only said that one or two times, and usually I say it in the context of, okay, you can have your tantrum. It's okay to have your feelings, but you need to have them in a space where you're not bothering everybody. So your room might be the best place for that. Except this time it came out, no, go to your room. Bye. Go. Just like that, for a little context. He was frustrated with a video game. He took out his frustration on us. My mother in law was here. We were having dinner together, and he got super disrespectful in his frustration and started taking it out on the adults in the room. And I was just like, Go to your room. Get out of here. You don't need to be in here right now. So there's better things to say, but I want to talk about what that thing is and how it's going to be helpful for the future.

00:27:56 - Jenny GK
There are better things to say, but there are also worse. And what you chose to do by, say, go to your room, was give yourself a break and give yourself a chance to collect yourself. And sometimes, as a parent, that's what you need to do.

00:28:13 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. And I do want to also give myself credit in that I did not place any blame on my child. What I said was, Go to your room. You don't need to be out here right now. Go to your room. I did not say, let's think about what you did, or anything like that. However sure, that often does come out from people, right. You need to go to your room and think about what happened here or think about what you did.

00:28:34 - Jenny GK
And those things happen, and you can't carry that kind of guilt, Caitlin, is what I'm saying. Are there better options? Of course. But sometimes what you get out is, I need some space.

00:28:48 - Caitlin Kindred
And I think that in the interest of full transparency, which you and I both believe in with our kids, that might be the way that you say this. So I'm going to present a couple of things here. One, I want to talk about how I was feeling in that moment. And if you've ever said this, how you are feeling in that moment, you are annoyed at best, right? Most likely. Can I say pissed off in this podcast? Okay. You're pissed, right? Because of this, that, or the other. It doesn't matter, really, what the reason is, but you're about to go into your lizard brain, or you might already.

00:29:23 - Jenny GK
Be there, like me, and I'm just losing my mind, right?

00:29:28 - Caitlin Kindred
I'm going to back up here just for a second and say, I got this information from a psychologist who I follow on Instagram.

00:29:36 - Jenny GK
Does she go to Disney a.

00:29:42 - Caitlin Kindred
No, her name is Dr. Siggy, and I'm going to have a link to her website in the show notes. But she does have really great resources for parents and just very bite sized snippets in reels on Instagram that are helpful. Right? And I think I've saved a ton of them, but I always watch when she comes up in my feed because I'm like, yes, that's the language I need. So, Dr. Siggy and this article comes from PureWow It's written by someone named Alexia Delner. So I'll put all of that information in the Show Notes, but Dr. Siggy says it is absolutely perfectly okay to be annoyed and pissed off with your kid when in that moment good. I already like, this lady natural. Right? Yeah. And I mean, just like, you want to validate how your kid feels, right? Like, you also need to validate how you feel in that.

00:30:32 - Jenny GK
Exactly.

00:30:33 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. The distinction that she makes is that it's just anger and frustration are not effective for parenting, which we already knew, right? Yes. And they lead to impulsive actions. For example, taking away TV for the next year and a half, remainder of the day. Yeah, year and a half, too. And then when you take away TV, who are you really punishing by yourself? So don't take away TV. So it makes you act impulsively, and you end up using things like shame and guilt to try and correct behavior, and then you ultimately feel bad about it as well. Right. Because not only have you screwed yourself over, but also you've put blame in a situation where you acted impulsively, and now you regret what you're saying. So just like thinking about that, it's very hard to come out of that lizard brain space for you, just like it is for your kid. But you're the adult, and you have to stop and take a minute. And what was it that Cindy Schuster said? She was like, stop, just take a breath. Right? Have a moment. So your kid is also probably in that space in that moment as well, right? Lizard brain. Not able to think rationally, not able to calm down. My child certainly wasn't. And when you say things like, go to your room and think about what you did when you were a kid, did that work for you? Did you think about what you did? You were angry that you got sent to your room.

00:32:06 - Jenny GK
I thought about how terrible my parents were.

00:32:10 - Caitlin Kindred
If you're like me also, you're forming that argument. You know, the shower argument. Oh, yes. Where you're like that's where you learned how to do it was when you got sit to your room as a kid, right?

00:32:24 - Jenny GK
Yes.

00:32:25 - Caitlin Kindred
That's how you learn how to do it. So kids don't use that time in their room to self reflect. Right. They're not being metacognitive, as teachers would say. They're. Not doing that. Right. All they're doing is sitting there feeling blamed, then getting angry and defensive with you because you're the one who sent them to their room, no matter what the parameters are. Like I said, go to your room, and when you feel like you can come out and have a conversation with us calmly, then you're welcome to come out. It wasn't like she just held up the pillowcase. It wasn't like I said, you have to stay in here for a certain amount of time or anything like that. It was when you feel calm, you can rejoin us. Doesn't matter.

00:33:10 - Jenny GK
Oh, it doesn't? Just because that is what I say. Come back when you're ready to talk about this.

00:33:18 - Caitlin Kindred
All right?

00:33:18 - Jenny GK
Well, that's not what I'm supposed to say.

00:33:20 - Caitlin Kindred
Good. All right.

00:33:21 - Jenny GK
Learning.

00:33:22 - Caitlin Kindred
No, I don't know that you're not supposed to say that there's something better to say.

00:33:25 - Jenny GK
There's something better to say.

00:33:27 - Caitlin Kindred
Well, to me, that means that I'm not, like, holding you accountable for a certain amount of time. I'm letting you come down and you decide and all those things I felt like it was a better way to handle it, and maybe it is. I don't know.

00:33:41 - Jenny GK
We say that several times a week.

00:33:44 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah, no, I think if you say, when you're calm, that's okay. But I'm going to give you the line to say before when you calm down. Okay, cool. So to be clear, I'm not saying that you should let any crappy behavior go.

00:33:58 - Jenny GK
Oh, yeah, no.

00:33:59 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay. No one is saying that. You just excuse it all and don't say Go to your room. Right. That's not what we're doing. You say it instead. Here's the line that she gives Dr. Sigi quote. Whoa. What just happened? That was not okay at all. We both need to think about it. So we're going to take a break from each other. Then when we come back together, I'll tell you what I thought about what happened, and you can tell me what you thought. And together we'll decide what we can do better next time.

00:34:29 - Jenny GK
Oh, my gosh. That's so good, isn't it?

00:34:34 - Caitlin Kindred
For even ador, right? I almost said a swear word. This is darn near impossible for me to think about in that moment of anger. But if I stop and take a breath, this is the line for my mother. That's not okay. I say that all the time, and that's part of my transition. However, if I can add on to it, we both need to think about what just happened. I'm going to take some space from you. You can take some space from me. And if you need to say, please take some space for me somewhere else, maybe your room might be a good place for that, but I'm going to separate myself from what just happened or whatever. But you're not saying go to your room and think about it. You're saying, Whoa, let's stop. Let's think about what just happened here. That's not okay. And I need some space.

00:35:26 - Jenny GK
And you're putting it on yourself when you come back. I'm interested in hearing what you think.

00:35:33 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes. Very validating. Right. So you're still giving your child the time and the space to think about what they did, but instead of blaming them by saying, let's talk about what you did, you're saying, reflect on what just happened. Let's talk about what happened. Right. Let's talk about what you did immediately puts you in defense mode. It's going to immediately put your kid in defense mode, and they're not going to ever take that moment to stop and think about what happened. Right. But if you say, let's talk about what happened, you're kind of separating the behavior from the person, and it's not blame.

00:36:06 - Jenny GK
I'm starting to feel better. I'm starting to feel better because our line is, come back when you're ready to talk about it. So I feel like I'm moving in the positive direction. I like it.

00:36:17 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. I think you just need to add that little piece beforehand. Right. And then you've probably got it. So there's three additional benefits that I want to point out to using. Whoa. Let's talk about what happened. One, you're involving your child in problem solving on top of the avoiding blame piece. Right. And Dr. Siggy mentions you're pointing out collaboration. You're modeling collaboration, and you're working through conflict in a very emotionally regulated way. And for us in our household, emotional dysregulation is sort of the name of the game. And modeling that positively is only going to be helpful right. For all of us. It's going to help me when I completely am seeing red. It's going to help my husband when he's losing his mind, and it will definitely help my child because he'll see how he's supposed to handle it. Right.

00:37:14 - Jenny GK
I have always told my temper tantrum champion, you can do this. You can be angry and you can scream, and you can have all of these feelings. You just can't do it around me. You can go to the bathroom, or you can go to your bedroom and do it. And so I love this idea of Dr. Sigi saying, yes, have these feelings, process them. And then at the end, when you're feeling regulated again and you've moved out of that lizard brain, let's reflect on what happened.

00:37:50 - Caitlin Kindred
And to be clear, I'm not offering advice on how to get your child out of lizard brain. We can talk about that till the cows come home.

00:37:59 - Jenny GK
And I don't we wouldn't have a podcast. We'd have an empire.

00:38:03 - Caitlin Kindred
Hey. Oh, that's very true. I'm sure we can look that up for you guys and come back.

00:38:10 - Jenny GK
That's my teacher way.

00:38:11 - Caitlin Kindred
I don't know.

00:38:11 - Jenny GK
The answer was we would be parenting queens.

00:38:16 - Caitlin Kindred
I mean, I'm sure there is it's like, what kind of works for me is, like, taking deep breaths, separating from the situation. But that's why you're saying, let's separate for a little while. Right. Because you're giving them an opportunity to do something else in the meantime.

00:38:26 - Jenny GK
And for some people, the time might be 3 seconds. Or if it's like me, I need a nap, right?

00:38:33 - Caitlin Kindred
Okay, so three benefits. One, you're involving your child in problem solving. Two, you're modeling collaboration and working through conflict in a sane and healthy way. And three, finally you're empowering your child to self reflect. This is a skill that many adults do not have. And if you are giving them this time to practice it now as children, think about the kind of adult they are going to be when they get older.

00:39:07 - Jenny GK
It's so right. Like the end goal here is not for my child to act like he does now.

00:39:13 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. The end goal is for him to be a functioning, contributing member of society as a healthy adult, be able to.

00:39:20 - Jenny GK
Pass that on to the next generation.

00:39:23 - Caitlin Kindred
Right. So by providing opportunities for them to engage in problem solving and collaboration and conflict resolution and self reflection. Even when you are pissed off, you are doing yourself, your child, everyone who interacts with your child later on in life, everyone who interacts with your child later on in life we're talking from like, the minute that interaction with you and your child happens until they have their own families and workplace opportunities, et cetera. And beyond, right? You're doing everyone a service. So it's impossible to think of that long term goal in the moment when you are angry, but you need to practice saying to yourself, whoa, what just happened? That was not okay. We each need to take a moment to separate from each other and we'll talk about it and our truths when we good.

00:40:25 - Jenny GK
So good.

00:40:27 - Caitlin Kindred
Yes. Well done, Dr. Siggy. Thank you.

00:40:30 - Jenny GK
All right, well, that just feels really great to me and very affirming. And I think about the gift that you are giving yourself as well as anyone who's going to interact with your child. But there's also a gift that you're giving to your kid that over time, if you manage to do this in a medium way I am not talking about perfect, because you know that I am not going to be consistent. That's the key to great parenting, is be consistent. But it's very hard to be consistent.

00:41:08 - Caitlin Kindred
It's very hard. It's very hard.

00:41:10 - Jenny GK
But if I continue to have these conversations with Kit when he runs into an interaction with someone else that isn't going well, he might be able to notice that that person doesn't have the skill set and have some empathy for.

00:41:29 - Caitlin Kindred
Them, right, and model it.

00:41:30 - Jenny GK
I'm hopeful, you know what I mean, that eventually it will get to the point where he says, oh, well, that's just something that they're working on and I'm going to walk away because that person doesn't have the skills they need. Right now.

00:41:44 - Caitlin Kindred
I'm picturing four year old kid doing.

00:41:46 - Jenny GK
That not four year old kid.

00:41:48 - Caitlin Kindred
It's not going well in my head, but it's funny.

00:41:50 - Jenny GK
I'm hoping, like, maybe 14 year old kid.

00:41:52 - Caitlin Kindred
Yeah. There you go. Okay.

00:41:55 - Jenny GK
All right. Well, this was really helpful. And you know what else would be helpful?

00:42:01 - Caitlin Kindred
Caitlin.

00:42:02 - Jenny GK
Five star reviews are always helpful. So if you haven't viewed us yet, please do that. If you haven't told your friends yet, please do that. And if you haven't made good choices.

00:42:09 - Caitlin Kindred
Yet, make good choices and go to your room. I mean, wait. Bye. Okay, bye.